The One Where Harry Has to Try All Twelve
by mhersheybar
Summary: So what exactly does Twelve Fail Safe Ways to Charm Witches say, anyway? And does Hermione really do THAT to a book?
1. How to Get Her, Keep Her, Make Her Yours

All the Ever Afters

**The One Where Harry Has to Try All Twelve - Part One**

**Chapter One: How to Get Her, Keep Her, Make Her Yours! All in Twelve Easy Steps**

**Summary: Ginny's in a snit. Harry's in the doghouse. Can Ron, Hermione, and "Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches" possibly make things right?**

**A/N: Ever since Harry got that book from Ron at the start of DH, I have wanted to know what it said. Now I do. Parts of this story are very loosely based on the T.V. sitcom Friends, particularly episodes 50 – The One Where No One's Ready and WHAT. And no, this story is not going to be 12 chapters. More likely three or four.**

It was nearing the end of another school year at Hogwarts and Harry Potter was in trouble. Big trouble. For those who knew him well this did not come as much of a surprise – there had yet to be a May or June since Harry had started at Hogwarts that he did not find himself in some sort of peril, whether from crazily possessed turban-wearing DADA teachers, giant snakes, Dementors, or various other incarnations of evil working on behalf Lord Voldemort. But Harry had rather assumed, naively as it turned out, that the events of the previous May would have ended that whole "it's June so Harry must be about to fight the Dark forces again" thing. After all, he had stood in this very Great Hall and vanquished the Dark Lord, a/k/a Tom Riddle quite completely. In front of an audience, for Pete's sake. The remaining Death Eaters had been rounded up in a matter of months, Kingsley was made permanent Minister of Magic, and Harry and his friends had come back to Hogwarts to finish their last year of schooling before beginning the rest of their lives. He had been looking forward to May and June as involving nothing more taxing than a little studying for his NEWTs and spending inordinate amounts of time with his girlfriend, doing very little of anything serious. Not even thinking too much. Nothing bad was supposed to happen. It was going to be swell.

Oh, bollocks.

Looking back, Harry supposed that the not thinking too much part of his plan was what got him into trouble in the first place, which was unusual. Usually, Harry was pretty in tune to his surroundings. It had been dangerous not to be, what with that whole "Voldemort and his followers wanting to kill him" thing. Riddle's demise must have weakened his defenses, let him become complacent about danger.

Yes, that was it.

This was definitely not his fault.

He could blame it all on Tom.

Tom, who had been gone for a year.

Tom, who was never coming back.

Tom, whom Harry thought wryly, made an only slightly more formidable opponent than the petite, freckled, absolutely adorable, fiery redhead who was currently shooting daggers at him from across the table in the Great Hall.

Oh, double bollocks.

Things had been going great until four days ago. At least, Harry thought they had been going great. At least, he thought that Ginny thought that they had been going great, "I mean, she wouldn't have kissed me like, well, like **that** if she wasn't happy, right? And she never actually told me anything was wrong, right? And she would have told me if something was wrong, right? Arrgh!"

His internal musings becoming too much to handle, Harry smacked his head on the table, unfortunately failing to avoid the platter of bangers and mash that had been sitting in front of him. This earned him a cold look from Ginny, a sympathetic smile from Hermione, and a grimace from Ron that clearly said, "that's what you get for going out with my sister. I told you it was mental."

Witches should come with road maps. Or instruction manuals. Or one of Hermione's color-coded, hyper-organized daily planners. He clearly needed to be told what to do every minute of every day, in explicit, tri-color detail, right down to what pattern boxers to wear on Mondays and the exact sequence of words he needed to use when talking to his girlfriend and trying to make her happy. Oi. Why wasn't she happy? More specifically, why wasn't she happy with him??

Looking up from where his head still rested on the table, bits of potato clinging to his glasses, Harry saw the back of Ginny's head walking away from the trio. She had left without a goodbye kiss? Without even acknowledging him? This was worse than he thought!

"What did I do to deserve this? Things were going so well between us," he muttered.

"You really don't know, do you?" asked Hermione in a bemused voice.

"If you are using that study technique of yours where you ask open-ended questions until I come up with the answer myself, I really don't appreciate it right now," Harry grumbled. "Things were fine – they were more than fine, even, until she suddenly flipped out on me four days ago." He looked up hopefully at Hermione. "Hey, could it be her, well, you know, her, um, timeofthemonth?" he mumbled the last words under his breath, a red flush creeping up both his neck and, once he understood what Harry was getting at, Ron's.

"Honestly Harry, why do men always try to blame everything on **that**, instead of possibly admitting that it might be their own fault? You have been back together with Ginny for **over a year**, have you ever known her to act like this during any other month?"

"No," Harry grudgingly replied.

"Well, what have you done in the past week or so that might have made her mad?"

"Nothing! At least, I think nothing. I mean, I have been a little busier than usual, what with the end of school coming up and going to London to meet with Kingsley about joining the Aurors, but she knows that I needed to do that – she can't expect me to ignore the Minister of Magic, can she?"

"No, Harry, you know Ginny is thrilled that you are going to be able to join the Aurors. But your latest trip to London came at a fairly inopportune time, don't you think?"

"What? Why? Because I missed a Hogsmeade weekend? We've gone there together plenty of times. And I was with her for the most important thing – Remembrance Day, right? I was did everything right then, if I do say so myself. I comforted her when she cried about Fred, I held her hand during all the speeches, I listened to her talk about friends we had lost – what else could I have done? Hogsmeade was two days later, she couldn't still have been sad, could she?"

Harry's head was spinning. Was it possible for a girl to cry for two solid days? Maybe some girls, but not Ginny. That had always been one of the things he loved about her. She had been appropriately sad, but not sloppy, during the Remembrance Day ceremony marking the one-year anniversary of the Battle of Hogwarts, and he thought he had done a pretty decent job of being her boyfriend during that time. The next day she had gone back to being regular old, wonderful Ginny, well, at least until he mentioned that he was going to London again and that he had a lot to prepare for the trip. He had thought he was being particularly generous when he had suggested that she spend some time studying for her NEWTs and catching up with Luna and Hermione, if the latter could be pried away from Ron. She couldn't be mad that he suggested she study, right? Or that she hang out with her friends? He was trying not to smother her, for Merlin's sake! Ginny definitely did not like to be smothered. Or was it that she did not like to be helped through the portrait hole? Or was it that she did not like to be smothered by anyone but him? Harry stopped trying to think – it made his head hurt.

"I don't get it, I just don't get it," he muttered again. Giving Hermione what he hoped to be an appropriately pathetic look, he whined, "just a hint, please? You have seen Ginny when she is upset, you really don't want to prolong this, do you?"

"Oh, I don't know," said Hermione airily. It's not like she is mad at me. In fact, we had a delightful time yesterday together in Hogsmeade. She said that now that nothing special was going to happen that day, she thought it might be fun to shop for new robes or something."

"Stop talking in riddles, Hermione. You know I have no idea what you are talking about. What something special? We never talked about anything special, I definitely would have remembered if she had mentioned something special. Why can't girls just say what they mean?"

"It's because this way they get to act all superior at how oblivious we are to something that they think should be obvious," said Ron through a mouthful of ice cream, some of which he spit all over the table.

"Manners, Ronald!" said Hermione a little more sharply than necessary. "And I resent your insinuation that we witches are that devious. Just because women are fully cognizant of their emotional state and understand the importance of marking significant occasions with the appropriate ceremony does not mean that we enjoy constantly having to point out the inadequacies of your sex. Quite the opposite, in fact."

"Gads, Hermione, have you been hanging around with Percy? How about putting that into plain English?"

"Harry," said Hermione with forced patience, "yesterday was May 19th. Does that date carry any significance with you?"

"Saying 'no' is going to get me into more trouble, isn't it?"

Hermione sighed. "May 19th, Harry. What happened a year ago on May 19th?"

"Uh, I don't know, I think it might have been the day after Fred's funeral, right? We were all at the Burrow relaxing and doing not much of anything. Why is that significant?"

"Do you remember the fact that you and Ginny missed dinner that night? And why?"

"Umm, well, yeah I remember, now that you mention it, but why does the fact that Ginny and I were off snogging by the pond a year ago have anything to do with the reason my girlfriend is not speaking to me today? I mean, its true that we missed her favorite pudding, but that couldn't be the reason, she has had lots of desserts since then, and it couldn't have been that bad a snog, for her to remember it a year later and suddenly decide to be mad about it, right? Is that the kind of thing girls get mad about?" Harry was rambling. Hermione had resumed her bemused expression while Ron just stared blankly at him, a bit of ice cream still dripping down his chin.

"I mean," Harry carried on, a bit desperately now, as if trying to work out a particularly tough homework assignment without Hermione's input, "what could I have done a year ago that has her so mad? Nothing, right? We've been together ever since then, for Merlin's sake, I couldn't have done anything too wrong."

"Aha!" Ron suddenly broke out of his trance. "That's it! You forgot your bloody anniversary! No wonder she is ticked off. I can't believe you still have all your bits in their right places, mate. How could you forget your anniversary?"

"An anniversary of what . . . dating? This is about our anniversary of dating? You have got to be kidding. Ginny wouldn't care about something like that, she always makes fun of . . ." Harry broke off suddenly, realizing that it had not been Hermione who had finally solved the mystery for him. He looked at his best mate as if he had never seen him clearly before.

"Wait a minute . . . Ron? How in the name of Helga Hufflepuff do you know that Ginny is mad at me because I forgot the anniversary of . . . our first kiss for the second time? I mean, I didn't forget our anniversary for the second time, I didn't even know we had an anniversary until about five seconds ago. I mean, the anniversary of the second time we had our first kiss, after we got back together. Not our first, first kiss, you know, our second first kiss."

"I have no idea what you just said, Harrry, but do you honestly still think I am that thick about witches and their feelings?"

"In a word, Ron, yes."

"Well I have news for you, then. While you have spent the past year busily ravishing my little sister in every broom closet between here and London, for all the good it's done your present situation I might add, I have been actually listening to my lovely girlfriend and paying attention to her moods and needs."

"So, what you're basically saying that you haven't been getting any because you've been too busy listening to Hermione talk."

"Harry, considering that my lovely girlfriend is currently sitting beside me smiling sweetly and rubbing her hand along my thigh . . . "

"Oi, TMI Ron!"

". . . and your girlfriend is probably stalking Griffyndor Tower looking for personal items to turn into her very own Harry Potter voodoo doll, I suggest you focus on making up for the fact that you missed the anniversary of your first kiss for the second time, or you second first kiss, or however you want to call it."

"Actually, you missed your first first kiss anniversary too."

"Oh hell, I did what?"

"You missed the anniversary of your first kiss too," repeated Hermione. "And by the way, that was very perceptive, Ron." She beamed at him for a moment and then turned back to Harry. "You mean to tell me that you had no idea that your very first kiss with Ginny in the common room was on May 19th, two years ago, and that your 'reuniting kiss' for lack of a better term was on May 19th one year ago?"

"Again, I have the feeling that a negative answer is not what you are looking for here."

"Blimey, Harry, even I wouldn't miss two years of anniversaries in a row."

"Thanks, Ron. Obviously you are a better man than me." Under his breath he muttered, "at least when it comes to being completely whipped."

"I heard that!"

"This is not helping," sighed Harry. "Ginny has always hated all that sappy, sentimental stuff. Why would she care about it now?"

"Do I really have to explain it to you?" asked Hermione.

"Better you than Ron."

"I heard that too!"

"Fine," said Hermione, trying to look put out and failing miserably. Harry knew she was secretly relishing the fact that she had the chance to start explaining things. Probably many more things than he would ever need to know. Ever. Even if he lived to be 200. And 50. Oh well, he didn't really have a choice, unless he wanted to listen to Ron instead.

"It's true that Ginny does not need a lot of romance and sentiment in her life, or daily affirmations of your love and adoration, unlike some girls at Hogwarts who shall remain nameless." At this point Hermione coughed, making a noise that sounded remarkably like the word 'Lavender' as she did so. "But," she then continued, ignoring Ron's sheepish grin, "that doesn't mean that the occasional recognition of particularly important events would not be appreciated. Without acknowledging things like anniversaries, you might as well just be good friends."

"Good friends with benefits, you mean."

"Thank you, Ronald. But you are actually right." Hermione turned back to Harry. "Doing something like recognizing your anniversary shows her that you think of her as more than a friend you like to snog, that you think of someone important in your life. Someone with whom you would like to spend more anniversaries with in the future."

"But she knows all that already! I'm crazy about her! She's the best thing that has ever happened to me! I mean, I spent two hours last week polishing her broom for her, and I let her have the last piece of treacle tart at dinner the other night, and I even stopped working on my Potions revising and went and changed my socks when she mentioned she smelled something fishy. I had stepped in spilled essence of troutgut earlier that day, you know. "

"Oi, mate, if that is what you call showing that you care, you are in bigger trouble than I thought."

"What was I supposed to do, take her to Madame Puddifoot's and whisper sweet nothings in her ear? I don't want to make her puke, you know."

"Enough," interrupted Hermione. The damage is done. Now we need to figure out how to help you, Harry."

"How about saying I am sorry and planning a nice romantic "day after our anniversary" dinner?"

"Hmmm, let me think about that. No."

"Hermione . . . ."

"Sorry Harry, but she will know that we clued you in to what is wrong, and it will just look like you are trying too hard. Let me think, it has to be something good . . ."

"I've got it! The book! It's perfect! Wait here a second, I'll be right back, don't move!" Ron suddenly jumped up and bolted out of the room with an excited look on his face that Harry usually saw only on Hermione when she was on one of her crazy researching kicks.

"Did I miss something? Did Ron actually just run out on a table full of desserts to go find a, a book? Has the world stopped turning? Does it feel cold in here to you? Because I think Hades just froze over."

"Ahem, Ron has become much more studious lately. It has been a wonderful change," said Hermione primly.

"If he comes back in here carrying his own personalized copy of Hogwarts, a History, I am never speaking to either of you again."

In a matter of a minute or two, Ron was back, panting slightly and carrying a dog-eared book that was much smaller, and somewhat more pink, than Hermione's favorite tome about Hogwarts. He thrust it at Harry. "Here, although you shouldn't need mine. I gave you one of your own last year, remember?"

"Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches?"

"Yes, it is absolutely brilliant. I read it cover to cover. More than once, actually. And I don't hear 'Moine complaining a bit, isn't that right, hon?"

"Wait a minute. All your newly found sensitivity is because of some crazy book you got from Fred and George, and not because you finally started paying attention to some of what I have been saying to you all along about how to get along with women?" Hermione's lips had suddenly formed themselves into a tight line.

"Umm, well, it's worked, hasn't it? Haven't I been a great boyfriend?"

"Honestly, Ronald, that is not the way to go about it – that book could contain all sorts of dangerous concepts, or worse, misinformation! It's much better to gain knowledge from real world experience with a member of the opposite sex who actually cares about you and who can teach you as your relationship develops."

"Hermione," broke in Harry, "am I understanding you correctly that, for the first time in all the years I have known you, you are telling me that I should not read a book?"

"Oh, well, all right. I guess since it worked for Ron."

"I knew you would have to agree!"

"Thanks, Ronald. Let's just focus on helping Harry, shall we?"

The trio bent over the book, which was a sort of grayish color in parts, but with a rather unfortunate picture in the center of a sappy looking witch looking adoringly out of a pink, heart-shaped frame at a wizard who was busily flexing his wand arm for her. Harry opened the book, which immediately began playing soft music and shooting rose petals into the air.

"Oops, I must have stopped reading last time on chapter FIVE," Ron muttered, tapping the book with his wand and making the petals and music stop.

Hermione looked pointedly at Ron. "So, the idea for a romantic evening on a rose-covered bed just 'popped into your head as something I might like, did it?"

While Ron tried to sputter an excuse, Harry grinned with relief that maybe Ron hadn't gone as around the bend as he had first seemed. As his two friends seemed to be gearing up for one of their infamous rows, Harry used years of practice to tune them out and instead opened to the introduction, skeptical that this book was going to be the answer to fixing things with Ginny, but willing to try anything at this point.

**INTRODUCTION**

I_f you are reading this, then there must be a witch out there who has caught your fancy, and you need some of our fool-proof tips for Getting Her, Keeping Her, and Making Her Yours! If you don't have a fanciable witch in mind right now, then Put This Book Down! Go to your nearest bookstore and purchase a copy of the first volume in our "You'll Never Be Lonely Again" series, titled "Which Witch? A Guide for the Confused Wizard." And of course, if the "witch" you fancy is actually a bloke, you definitely need to pick up a copy of our bestseller, "Riding His Broomstick", also available by owl order to arrive in discrete brown wrapping paper._

At this point, Harry put the book down with a groan. If this was an accurate sample of the writing style of the entire book, Harry not only could not believe that Ron had actually been able to get together with Hermione, he was rather shocked that he had not instead gotten back together with Lavender. This book seemed to be exactly her kind of thing.

Sighing, he decided that he had better skip the rest of the introduction, which appeared to be one long advertisement for the company's other books, and start right with chapter one.

CHAPTER ONE – Complimenting Your Witch

"I knew that's where Ron learned it!" thought Harry with satisfaction as he bent over the book and began to read.

_Let's face it, who doesn't like to receive a well-deserved compliment? If you are trying to impress a lovely lady, there is nothing you can do better to show her you are a caring, attentive individual than complimenting her on some special attribute of hers. It is a sure-fire winner, and easy to do! Simply find your young lady, pick out an appropriate target for your attention, and let her know how wonderful you think it is. Simple!!_

The chapter went on with a list of suggested things a wizard could choose to compliment, and phrases to try, but Harry was in a hurry to get started. The faster he complimented Ginny, the faster she would make up with him right? He threw the book in his bag and hurried out of the Great Hall and up to the Gryffindor common room, where he knew Ginny would probably be during her free period, ruefully thinking as he walked that a week ago, she would have spent that free period with him, very decidedly Not in the common room, and wearing decidedly Fewer items of clothing than he had seen her in earlier.

There were only a handful of six and seventh years in the room when Harry arrived (password, chosen by head girl Hermione at Ginny's insistence: Wanker). Ginny was sitting at a table in the corner, working on the Transfiguration essay Harry had yet to begin, sucking on the end of her quill as she thought. Harry walked up to her and sat down, saying "mind if I join you?"

Ginny flicked her eyes at him for a moment and then shrugged, saying "apparently you have already."

"Right." Harry looked Ginny over for something to compliment. Hair? No, she knew he loved her hair, complimenting it would not get her attention. Clothes? She was wearing one of his Quidditch jerseys that she had nicked from his trunk last time they had taken a "study break" in his room. Apparently her disdain for all things Potter did not extend to his clothing. Hmmm. How hypocritical of her. But would it be too egotistical of him to compliment an item of clothing that actually belonged to him? Ginny interrupted Harry's musings to look up at him, sitting at the table staring at her, having taken not so much as a piece of parchment out of his bag.

"Are you going to work, or what?"

Harry was startled, and stumbled to say the first thing that came into his mind. "Oh . . . yeah, I am . . .umm, that's a really nice, umm, quill, Ginny."

Quill??

He hadn't really just complimented her Quill, had he?

Oh, Merlin.

Ginny gave him an amused glance. "It is nice, isn't it? Dean gave it to me on our two-month anniversary. Wasn't that thoughtful of him??"

Oh, hell.

Maybe chapter two would be better.

**LIST**

**Compliments**

**Asking questions about them – showing interest in their own activities**

**Cooking for them**

**Flowers and little gifts and special time alone**

**Little touches**

**Helping them out of a jam**

**Making yourself sound charming, important, brave, etc. and if that doesn't work**

**Being vulnerable – let them see you cry**

**Using your wand one**

**Using your want two**

**Putting yourself in peril to save them**

**Big romantic gestures**

CH1 11414092.1


	2. 2, 3, 4, 5, come on Harry, stay alive!

An hour after his disastrous attempt at complimenting Ginny, Harry was lying on his bed contemplating how difficult it might be to get his hands on a Time-Turner so that he could go back to a time before Ginny was mad at him, when Ron and Hermione suddenly burst into the room, holding hands and looking distinctly flushed.

". . . . to get your shirt off." Ron was saying as they flung themselves towards his bed. "I want to . . . . ohhhh . . . HARRY!" Ron stopped so suddenly that Hermione smashed into his back.

"Ronald, what the . . . oh."

Hermione had caught sight of Harry as well.

"Harry. You're . . . here." A look of disappointment flickered in her eyes but she masked it quickly, and with a fake hearty voice asked him, "What happened with Ginny? Did you use the book?"

"Oh, yes. I used it all right. Chapter one, Complimenting your Witch."

"And did you? Did it work?"

"Honestly, 'Mione. Do you think he would be up here, **alone**, if it had worked? What happened, mate?"

Harry sighed. "I complimented her quill."

"Her what?"

"Quill. I told her she had a nice **quill**."

"Her quill? What's her quill? Wait, that's not another word for her _hmm hmmm_, is it?" Ron gestured below his belt while giving a Harry a meaningful look. "Cause, if it is, you definitely need to learn a thing or two about compliments. That sort of discussion should wait at least until chapter ten."

"No, Ron," Harry said with forced patience. "I did not compliment any part of your sister's body, although I have to say that there are plenty of them are compliment-worthy. She was working on her Transfiguration essay and I literally told her that I liked the quill she was using to write it."

It did not help Harry's already fragile self-esteem that Ron and Hermione immediately burst into hysterical laughter.

"Oi, thanks," muttered Harry grumpily.

"Oh, Harry, I'm sorry," giggled Hermione, "but you've got to admit, that is one of the lamest compliments ever."

"Yeah, especially since it turned out it was Dean who had given her the quill in the first place, for their two-month anniversary," said Harry sourly as Ron and Hermione dissolved once again into peals of laughter.

"Harry, I think you had better move on to chapter two," said Ron, while wiping his eyes. "Why don't you go, uh, read it in the library? It's nice and quiet there."

Harry wasn't going to let Ron and Hermione get away with their laughter that easily. He made a face. "Nah, I don't feel like walking all the way down to the library. I think I will just stay here and read on my bed." Grinning at the looks on his friends' faces, he added, "I am sure Hermione is a good enough witch that she can figure out a way to put a silencing charm around your bed, Ron. And please, for my sake, make sure it is a strong one?"

Once Ron and Hermione, quite red in the face, had decided that maybe a nice walk by the lake was in order, Harry settled back and opened up _Twelve Fail-Safe Ways_ again.

_Chapter Two – Showing Your Witch You are Interested – In More than Just Her Body_

_By now you should have already laid a foundation for a future with your witch by making her feel good with your compliments. Now it is time to show her that you have taken the time to get to know the real her. One of the best ways you can do this is to show a genuine interest in something that is important to her. Is she crazy about Ancient Runes? Better study up on your translation skills – you could send her an all-Rune love note! Or maybe gardening is more her thing. Show her you really care by offering to spend a couple of hours helping her prune her bushes – no, not __**that **__one, you randy git – you have eight more chapters until you are ready for that kind of pruning! Just make sure you study up on your Herbology first or you could make the same mistake made by Wizard Huggins Hepburn, who watered his lady friend's prize-winning Pygmalia Floridia plants using the Augmenti spell instead of imported Spanish rainwater. Poor Huggins has still not been able to get all the topsoil out of his, well, you know. So do your background homework. _

_A word of warning first though: Don't try to dazzle her with too much knowledge on an unfamiliar topic or you could overdo it. Remember, when it comes to showing a witch that you want to share something she is interested in, there is a fine line between being a know-it-all and looking like an idiot. Strive for something in between and you are golden. _

"Perfect!" thought Harry. "I don't even have to fake an interest with this one. We both love Quidditch – what could be easier? Ginny has been talking about going to one of the Harpies' open tryouts after graduation, I bet she would love the chance to get in some practice time with me. We've been so busy studying, we haven't had a time for a good fly lately anyway. And those post-workout cool downs in the changing room are always a lot of fun. I'll have her speaking to me in no time!"

Harry jumped up and threw on his practice robes. As he was about to leave the room his eye fell on the latest issue of Quidditch today. A headline on the front proclaimed "Secret New Offense! Details Inside." Grabbing the magazine, Harry quickly scanned the article and reviewed the accompanying moving diagram that showed a tricky new Chaser move "Guaranteed to Help You Score More Goals!" Hoping the article helped him score in more ways than one, he tossed the magazine on the bed and ran down to the common room to find Ginny.

Catching his breath at the bottom of the stairs, Harry adopted what he hoped was a casual attitude as he wandered over to the table where Ginny appeared to have made quite a bit of progress on her Transfiguration essay.

"If you are hoping to copy from me, Potter, you are going to be sorely disappointed," she said without looking up.

"Oh, no. I've gotten a good start on mine too," Harry lied. "Just wondering if you fancy a fly around the pitch? The weather is gorgeous and I know you wanted to get some more practicing in before you go to the Harpies' open tryout next month. I am happy to help you prepare for such an important event in any way I can." Harry thought that last statement sounded like he was laying it on a bit thick, given that he was making the offer to his _girlfriend_, for Merlin's sake, but hey, all bets are off when you are getting the silent treatment, right?

Ginny rolled her eyes at Harry's sugary sentiment, but sighed, rolled up her parchment, and dropped it into her bag. "Fine, but only because I saw Ron and Hermione leave here a while ago with something other than Quidditch on their minds. If Ron is not available to be Keeper, I guess you will have to do."

"Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence. Next thing I know, you'll be singing "Potter is our King."

"Only after they make me ruler of the Universe."

As Harry and Ginny walked down to the broom shed, Harry tried to find a way to casually bring up the new Chaser move he had read about.

"So, have you thought about what you might show them at the tryout?"

"Oh, well, I don't know, Harry. I thought maybe I would chase after the Quaffle as quickly as I can, dodge the Bludgers, and try to score lots of goals. What do you think?"

Obviously she was not ready to forgive him that easily. "Sarcastic" Ginny was not a favorite of Harry's, but at least it was less dangerous than "Blowing her Top" Ginny" or "About to Bat Bogey Hex You" Ginny. He decided to ignore the tone in her voice and plow on.

"Well, I bet you would impress them with a couple of new offensive moves. I can show you one I know."

"Oh, so that is why you nearly missed the Snitch in our last match against Hufflepuff. You have been secretly training to be a Chaser, huh? Sorry, Harry. You may have all the bollocks of something wearing a skirt these days, but the Harpies actually make you undergo a physical exam before they let you try out. There was that problem last year with the cross-dressing wizard, remember?" She smirked, and then dodged around him to grab his new Firebolt II out of the shed. "I think that since I am the one who needs the practice, I will use this, don't you agree?"

She was going to press her advantage to the fullest, that was quite clear. Harry grabbed Ginny's Nimbus and walked after her. Once on the pitch, he tried again. "Ginny, watch this great new move – called the Birmingham Bomb, I think. You will knock their socks off at the tryouts with it!"

Without waiting for a reply, Harry jumped on Ginny's broom and took off, using a Sonorous so that he could keep talking to her from the air. "You see, the theory behind the move is that the Chaser with the Quaffle just 'explodes' past all the other players, while the two other Chasers actually take on a temporary defensive role to allow the one with the Quaffle have easy access to the goal. You fly as fast as you can directly at the center hoop. The Keeper should stay there to guard, and you wait until you are practically upon him before flinging the Quaffle through the goal to your left. You will be coming in so fast that he won't be able to adjust and you will score easily. Next time, fake to a different goal – always keep the Keeper on his toes. Great idea, huh?"

Silence.

Harry looked around him. Ginny had not joined him in the air. He looked down. She was still standing on the pitch with his broom, and even without a Sonorous Charm, he had no trouble hearing every word.

"Honestly, Harry, when did you become such a know-it-all when it comes to playing Chaser? Have you ever been one before? Huh??"

_Strike one. Didn't the book warn against being seen as a know-it-all?_

Flying lower, Harry tried to explain. "Ginny, I just thought . . ."

"Actually, you didn't think, Harry. I read that copy of Quidditch Today too, obviously a lot more closely than you did. The Birmingham Bomb was first used by the Birmingham Brigade in a record-breaking game against the Harpies last month. The Brigade won 480 to 30, and the by the end, the Harpies had gone through their regular Keeper, both reserves, and two particularly enthusiastic fans they were forced to pick out of the crowd in order to have someone actually in front of the goal. The Birmingham team got booed out of the stadium by rabid Harpies fans flinging bras and knickers filled with Bubertuber pus and it took a whole team of magical law enforcement agents to restore order. One of the Birmingham Chasers has been in St. Mungoes ever since. Seems they turned his bits into a pair of, well, you really don't want to know.

If I tried that move at tryouts, I would have as much chance of getting out of there in one piece as you would if you went to one of those Harry Potter Fan Club meetings Witch Weekly keeps sponsoring. I think at the last one, a girl showed up wearing nothing but a towel with your picture on it and a sign that said 'Nothing gets between me and Harry Potter.' I can't believe you suggested that move. Could you **be** more of an idiot?"

_Strike two. She actually called me an idiot, didn't she?_

"Ginny, a second ago you called me a know-it-all. How can I be an idiot at the same time?"

Silence.

_Ooops. Probably shouldn't have said that out loud. Strike three and I'm out. _

Chapter Three was a disaster almost from the start. What was he thinking, trying to cook for Ginny? She had grown up eating the food of the greatest (as far as Harry was concerned) cook he had ever known. His experience cooking for the Durselys ran mostly to bacon and eggs, hardly food to impress. And whose hair-brained idea was it to use her mother's own recipe to make her favorite lasagna?

Well, okay, that was Hermione's idea. Blame that part on her.

And okay, maybe he should have been a little wary of letting Ron help with the meal, seeing that up until now, Ron's sole interest in food preparation had been to stand around the kitchen and whine loudly about how long it was taking to cook. Harry was beginning to think . . . no, no, actually, he was absolutely positive that Ron had an ulterior motive in getting Harry and Ginny to make up. Most likely it had something to do with the large amounts of time each of them had begun spending with Ron or Hermione, or Ron and Hermione, or Hermione and Ron, and not with each other. Ron had taken to pushing Harry to study _Twelve Fail-Safe Ways_ as if he was going to be taking a NEWT on the subject; he was getting so bad that Harry sometimes felt like he was hanging out with two Hermiones. One was quite enough, thank you. Especially when he was unable to escape Hermione two by hiding in the boy's loo.

But the lasagna was another matter entirely. In retrospect, it had probably not been a good idea to let Ron give Hermione a back massage while she read out the recipe to them. It was then that Harry realized that his two best friends really hadn't had much time alone together since this whole mess with Ginny began. As long as he lived, Harry was never going to be able to erase from his mind the sound of Hermione reading the ingredient list:

"Four, _oh, yes_, ripened, sweet _Merlin!_ tomatoes crushed _right there _with your hands. O_h, Ron I love the way you use your hands to crush . . . _ahhh, where was I?"

He needed an Obliviator and they hadn't even gotten to the cheese yet.

He supposed he had rushed the process a bit because he was in a hurry to get the lasagna finished so he could try it out on Ginny. Ron and Hermione were in a hurry to help him because, well, you **know.**

They may have skipped a step or two.

The meat that Hagrid had sworn to them was fresh beef from Hogsmeade, well, may not have been.

The fire that Hermione had conjured up to cook the lasagna may not have been quite hot enough, Hermione having a distinctly different kind of heat on her mind at the time she cast the spell.

Luckily, Madame Pomfrey assured Harry and Ginny that food poisoning never lasted more than a day or two. Even cases as bad as theirs.

Ginny's renewed silent treatment at Harry's ruining her ability to enjoy her favorite meal ever again, would last a bit longer.

By the time he got to Chapter Four, Harry was beginning to lose faith in _Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches_, and he complained bitterly about it to Ron and Hermione.

"Have you read the introduction to this chapter? Are they serious?" asked Harry as the trio sat in the library, Ron and Hermione with Potions revising before them and Harry with the book he was beginning to think of as his own personal Dementor – just looking at the cover began to suck away all his happiness. But stubbornness, combined with Ron's constant reassurance that the book **really worked for me, mate!** kept him plowing through the pages.

"I forgot, what is Chapter Four about?" asked Ron.

"How could you forget, Ronald?" asked Harry in a girlish falsetto that sounded nothing like Hermione, _Chapter Four – Shower her With Flowers!_" At Ron's blush, Harry continued in his normal voice. "Listen to this:

_By now, your witch's head is probably spinning with giddiness over all the wonderful attention she has been getting from you._"

"Actually, I think that was probably the lasagna," said Hermione conversationally.

"Shut up, Hermione. Ahem. _By now, your witch's head is probably spinning with giddiness over all the wonderful attention she has been getting from you. You are on a roll. You are the wizard. There's no stopping you now. It's time to go for the gusto."_

"Holy cliché Batman, you've got to be kidding."

"Huh, what? Hermione saw a bat?"

"It's a Muggle thing, Ron. Go back to your Chocolate Frogs." Turning to Hermione, Harry said, "Nope, that's what it says, in black and white, clear as day, no doubt about it. . . ."

"Merlin. No wonder Ginny has been puking."

Harry sighed. "I think that was the lasagna."

Amazingly, sending Ginny a different bouquet of flowers every day for a week did not backfire on Harry. She wasn't allergic to any of the flowers, they did not clash with her hair, and none of the bouquets had disgusting little buggy things living inside them. Harry had considered, heck, he had practically expected, one or more of those things to happen as soon as he capitulated to both Ron and Hermione's promises that "girls really do love to receive flowers."

Harry had to agree with Hermione that he was not ready to shower Ginny's room with rose petals and soft music, but a nice bunch of flowers a day, which would cheer up her room, would be lovely.

And it was.

Unfortunately, the week Harry picked to put Chapter Four into action also turned out to be the week that several fourth years spilled a large cauldron of multiplier solution in greenhouse five. The building exploded with so many flowers that Professor Sprout took to handing out bunches of them at the end of each class instead of assigning homework. Every girl at Hogwarts suddenly began looking like a walking florist's shop as they carried piles of the colorful blooms up to their dorms and used them to decorate hallways and common rooms. Hermione assured Harry that the bouquet of wild daisies he had lovingly picked would have been quite beautiful on Ginny's desk – if she had been able to see them past the enormous display of floating rainbow bubble lilies that her roommates had brought in.

He could not catch a break. But Chapter Five was going to be different. He knew it. He was even looking forward to it, because Chapter Five involved something that Harry knew Ginny could not resist.

_Chapter Five – A Touching Moment_

_You should be well on your way to making a true love connection with your lovely witch, and now it is time to take things to the next level. Yes, it's time to get a little physical. Take a deep breath now, we said just a little. You will need to wait until Chapter Ten for more . . . but we are getting ahead of ourselves. _

_This chapter is all about giving the endearing little touches that mark the difference between being friends, and being something more. You know the ones we mean. A gentle touch on the arm when you are having a conversation, teasingly tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear, a backrub after a tiring day. Get this one right and before you know it, you actually will be ready for Chapter Ten! _

At this point, Harry was rather curious about what exactly was involved with Chapter Ten, but when he tried to page forward in the book, his fingers suddenly tingled in pain as if he had been shocked, and the following words appeared under the introduction in Chapter Four:

_Oh, you are an eager one, aren't you? Well, too bad. You are nowhere near ready for Chapter Ten. So you will have to keep it in your pants just a little while longer. Believe us, you will be thanking us later._

Rubbing his sore fingers, Harry grinned to himself. Ginny loved backrubs. The thought of one practically made her purr like a cat. And Harry had spent the past year discovering exactly what she liked and didn't like when it came to this particular form of relaxation. Of course, Harry thought wryly, not all of his backrubs had been entirely . . . relaxing. He blushed slightly as he recalled one particularly energetic massage session that had left Ginny moaning like a, well, let's just say that he made sure his silencing charms were a lot better after that. Ron couldn't look at either of them for a week.

Merlin, that had been a great backrub. He couldn't wait until Ginny got out of class to give her another one. Ten minutes with his magic fingers and she would be putty in his hands. And who was a book to say he was not ready for Chapter Ten?

He was ready.

He was definitely ready.

Oh, boy was he ready.

Two weeks without so much as a touch from Ginny and he was more than ready . . .

For a cold shower, at least. He might be ready, but there was no way he could face Ginny in this state. Magic fingers were one thing, but it would probably take more than one good backrub before she would want anything to do with his "magic wand" again. Sigh. He guessed Chapter Ten would have to wait.

Two hours and one cold shower later, Harry was eagerly waiting for Ginny to appear after her double Herbology class (so many of last year's Seventh Years had decided to come back to take their NEWTs that Ginny and Harry did not have Herbology together.) When she finally climbed through the portrait hole, a streak of dirt across one cheek and her robes disheveled, Harry rubbed his hands together in anticipation. The Seventh Year Herbology classes were working on pruning Constrictor Tree saplings right now, and if Ginny's experience was anything like Harry's had been earlier in the week, she had spent most of the class dodging flailing branches that were bent on squeezing anything that got too close. She could probably really use a backrub right about now.

Ginny dropped her bag next to an empty sofa, sat down, and tiredly pulled out her Potions book. She and Harry both had double Potions in an hour and Professor Slughorn promised that he would spend the entire class answering questions about some of the Newt-level potions they had been preparing.

"So Ginny?"

"Not now, Harry. I want to make sure I have all my questions ready for Slughorn. Shouldn't you be doing the same? I want to make sure we cover all the potions."

"Great idea!" said Harry, a little too enthusiastically, considering the fact that he had been so busy with _Twelve Fail-Safe Ways_ in the past week that he had completely forgotten that he, Ron, Hermione and Ginny had decided to divide up the revision and have each of them come up with questions for different potions. "Why don't you start reading me your questions, while I give you a nice backrub?"

Ginny tried to turn down the offer. She failed miserably. Harry's backrubs were just too wonderful, no matter how much of an arse the rest of him was. "And maybe he has repented enough," she thought to herself. It was the last coherent thought she was to have for a good long while . . .

. . . When they both woke up, it was more than an hour later.

Much more.

Like, three hours more.

And a bunch of first years were standing around the common room sofa saying things like, "Do you think they are dead?"

Except for one, who stated confidently. "Nah, I think they just shagged."

"Shite!!" yelled Ginny. And again. "Shite shite shite! You and your stupid stupid stupid backrub Harry! We are so, so, so dead on our Potions NEWT? How could you? How, how how?"

Harry had no idea why Ginny was suddenly yelling everything in triplicate. He didn't think it was a sign of anything good. Having his girlfriend yelling things at him over and over was the kind of thing that Harry had rather hoped would happen during, say, Chapter Ten (oh, yes, oh, yes, OH YES!), but Harry didn't think this particular rant fell into that category. He tried to open his mouth to apologize, but before he could get a word out, Ginny suddenly picked up her wand and performed a complicated series of maneuvers, muttering a spell under her breath. Hermione, who had just come in with Ron when Ginny started yelling looked at her admiringly.

"Wow, Ginny, I didn't know you had mastered that charm. Good job!"

Ginny said something back to Hermione. At least, she moved her mouth in the other witch's direction, causing Hermione to grin and say, "Oh, yes, at least three days."

"Why? What three days? What did she do?" Harry was panicked.

"Well, it seems that Ginny has put a portable, two-way, silent treatment charm on you," Hermione said.

"A what?"

"A charm that will keep you from hearing anything she says, and Ginny from hearing anything you say, for three full days, no matter how close you are to each other. It's very complex magic. Quite impressive."

"Three days? I can't even try to apologize for three whole days?"

"Look on the bright side, mate," said Ron. There are plenty of times that I would love not having to hear my sister jabber for three days. Ouch, Ginny!"

"And don't worry about Potions. I had a feeling something like this would happen so I prepared questions for all four study sections. You can both borrow my notes." Hermione tried not to look too smug.

"You know, Hermione, if Ginny and I can't talk to each other for three days, it means that we are going to be hanging out with you and Ron a whole lot more."

Hermione's smug look faded in an instant.


	3. Turning the Tables

Turning the Tables

Harry was surprised to discover that the next three days passed much faster than he would have imagined, given that he was unable to speak to or hear from Ginny. This probably had a lot to do with the realization that his recent obsession with _Twelve Fail-Safe Ways_ had become so severe that in order to make up all the homework and studying he had been neglecting, he practically needed to charm his eyes to stay open 24 hours a day to catch up. Taking all his schoolbooks, he parked himself next to Ron and Hermione in the library and refused to let them leave while he worked. And worked and worked and worked. And worked. He was concentrating so hard that, at the end of day three, when Ron cautiously asked him, "so, mate, what are you going to do next about Ginny?" Harry was only half joking when he replied, "Ginny who?"

"Seriously, Harry, I think it is time to really work on getting back into Ginny's good graces. She seems much more relaxed now, and you have been studying so much, we, uh, I mean you, deserve a little break. What chapter are you on in _Twelve Fail-Safe Ways_? Six, right?"

Harry sighed. "Ron, after everything that book has put me through, how can you sit here and tell me that I should open it up again? It has brought me nothing but trouble. Now if you don't mind, can you tell me what you got for question two on this practice exam?"

"But Harry," said Hermione earnestly, "you have learned some good tips from the book, you have to admit. Even if they did not work out so well when you put them into practice. I think you should give it another go."

Harry chuckled. "You just can't stand the thought of someone starting a book and not finishing it, no matter how full of drivel it is. You even read all of that horrible DADA book from our fifth year that Umbridge assigned, didn't you?"

Hermione blushed, but said, "still, I think the next couple of chapters would be really helpful in getting Ginny to stop being angry at you. What would you do instead, just waltz right up to her and apologize?"

"The thought had crossed my mind, yes."

"And risk never getting to Chapter Ten??" smirked Ron.

"Honestly, what is it with Chapter Ten? I can't imagine that it's any better than anything Ginny and I could come up with on our own, if we wished to go that route, which, seeing as I am talking to her brother, we don't, we won't, we haven't, and we have never even thought about."

Ron smirked again. "Ah, yes, I was once as naïve as you. And then Chapter Ten helped me see the light and taught us to have all kinds of fun in the dark."

"Ron!" Hermione looked scandalized for a moment. "Harry, I think even I have had enough of studying with you for the day. Have you even eaten this week?" She wrinkled her nose. "Or showered?"

Harry sighed. "Fine, I can take a hint. I tell you what. I will try one more chapter, just to prove to you what utter rubbish the book is, and then I am going to do it my way, and you are not allowed to interfere. Deal?"

"Deal. Hey 'Mione, wanna go check out Chapter Ten again?"

"Ronald, have you finished your practice exam?"

"No, but I can think of something else that is out of practice."

"Oi, do you ever make a decision that does not require consultation with 'little Ronniekins' first?"

"I am not sure which is worse, the fact that you called it 'Ronniekins' or the fact that you called it little."

"Finish your practice exam, Ron, and maybe I will let you try to prove that I am all wrong with my description."

After a shower, Harry reluctantly opened _Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches_ to chapter six, thinking that the sooner he got this over with, the better.

_Chapter Six – Get Her Out of a Jam!_

_You are now moving on to the more difficult strategies in this book, the ones that rely on precision timing and luck, in addition to your own charm and dashing._ "Oh, great," thought Harry. "I can't even get the easy chapters right, and now they are going to get harder?"

_Here is where you have to keep your eyes open for ways to give your witch a hand. And do we even have to say it again? __** Not**__**that kind of hand**__ – wait until Chapter Ten! Anyway, there will come a time when your witch may find herself with a problem. Maybe she needs to get into Diagon Alley for some shopping but she is all out of Floo Powder and her Apparation skills are not up to snuff. Why don't you offer to take her side-along? Or maybe she is pining for tickets to hear Celestina Warbeck sing, but they are just too hard to come by. Do you have a concert connection? Well then, step in to help her out! Make yourself appear indispensable to her, and soon, you will be._

This entire chapter seemed a bit dodgy to Harry. Ginny was one of the most capable witches he knew. What kind of jam could she possibly get herself into? And even if she did, there was little chance she would appreciate Harry swooping down and trying to save the day. Despite what Ron and Hermione seemed to think about his cluelessness regarding his girlfriend, he actually was pretty well in tune with her feelings. Well, most of the time. When she wasn't on a rant. Or puking. Or sleeping through a revision.

"I can't believe I let Ron and Hermione talk me into following this book again," thought Harry resignedly as he walked out of his room.

Harry did not have to travel far before, wonder of wonders, he not only found Ginny, but she appeared to be, of all things, in a jam.

Or at least a row.

A loud one.

With her mother.

Yikes.

Ginny was kneeling in front of the fire, glaring at the equally angry face of Molly Weasley which sat amid the flickering green flames.

". . . don't know anything about it!" Ginny was yelling.

"I know enough to know that it is not a good idea for my only daughter!"

"Oh, so if one of the boys wanted to, you would be fine with it?"

"Now Ginny, I didn't say that. I just meant that, I thought you always wanted to be a Healer?"

"When I was six, maybe. Now I want to play professional Quidditch."

Harry screwed up his Gryffindor courage and walked into the middle of a situation he doubted even Arthur Weasley would have voluntarily interrupted. "Umm, hi Ginny, Mrs. Weasley,"

"Oh, hello, Harry dear. Ginny and I were just having a little chat."

"If that is a little chat, I would hate to see the two of them having a serious discussion," thought Harry dryly to himself. Out loud he feigned ignorance. "What about?"

"Ron the prat let it slip that I want to try out for the Harpies. So mum decided to pay me a visit to let me know that she," and here Ginny adopted a high-pitched and distinctly Percyish tone of voice, "doesn't think it is an appropriate career choice for me."

"Now dear, I just meant that playing Quidditch might seem glamorous and fun, but it is a lot of hard work, and can be quite lonely, on the road all the time. You and Harry have such a nice relationship going right now, I am sure he agrees that having you off flying around Great Britain on a broom while he is in London in Auror training would be quite difficult on the both of you. It would be so much easier if you two were in the same place after you graduated, and could see other all the time. It would give things the chance to . . . progress. Naturally. Don't you agree, Harry?" She gave him a look that seemed to say, "I am sure you can talk some sense into my daughter. Convince her to stay in London and then the two of you can get married and make babies."

_Oh Merlin, oh Merlin, oh Merlin. Is she implying what I think she is implying? Have to tread carefully here._

"Umm, actually, Mrs. Weasley, I think the idea of Ginny trying out for the Harpies is brilliant."

"You do?"

"**You do?"**

"Umm, well, yes. Ginny is a rather brilliant Chaser, and she loves to fly and play Quidditch more than just about anything, and even though I would miss her terribly while she was on the road, it is really a great opportunity for her, to be able to see more of Britain, and meet new people, and things . . . "

Harry's voice trailed off as Mrs. Weasley looked at him as if she had just lost the Snitch from right beneath her nose.

Ginny, on the other hand, was grinning at him in a way he had not seen for almost two weeks.

Two very long weeks.

And she seemed to have sprouted a couple of new freckles, right there, that he really needed to investigate.

And she was running her hand up his thigh.

In front of her mother.

Oh, Merlin. How do you put out the flames?

_No, not those flames, the ones in the floo! _

It had apparently been a very long two weeks for Ginny too. After they finally sat up on the floor in front of the common room fireplace, Ginny waggled her eyes at Harry and said, "Not bad, even without Chapter Ten."

Harry sputtered. "Huh, w-w-what? You knew?"

"Oh yeah, it was kind of obvious after you cooked dinner for me. Ron tried the same thing after Fred and George gave the book to him. He prepared a fancy three course meal and tried to owl it to Hermione over break. Errol and Pig ended up eating it themselves somewhere over Surrey."

"So, why didn't you say anything?"

"Well, I was kind of busy with my head in the toilet, for one thing. And for another thing, so were you."

"But after that?"

"Well, the flowers were sweet, and then I was kind of interested to see how far you would go to get back in my good graces. And the backrub was not such a bad idea, even if your timing was horrible. Plus, it was fun to watch Ron and Hermione get all twitchy every time you or I insisted on spending more time with them."

"We could have gotten past all this days ago if they hadn't interfered. I knew the book was rubbish. What is it your dad always says? Don't trust something that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain? Well in this case, I know exactly where the book keeps its brain. Unfortunately, that place is in Ron's head." Harry sighed. "The git. And Hermione was right there helping him egg me on."

"Yeah, well, I think the book came in pretty handy for Ron, but you know how clueless he is normally. You, on the other hand are pretty good on your own, but Merlin, you did mess things up when you started following those chapters." Ginny smirked. "I mean, really Harry, my quill?"

Harry gave her what he hoped was an adorably pathetic grimace. "Yeah, not one of my more brilliant moments. But hey, why are you still hanging on to a quill that your ex-boyfriend gave you over two years ago?? Hmmm?"

Ginny suddenly got very busy looking down at the carpet. "Umm, well, it really was a nice quill, and it doesn't leak the way my other ones do, and umm, well, it never really **meant** anything to me . . .umm, I'll just chuck it now, okay?"

"Good idea, Ginny. Then maybe I can give you a proper 'making up' backrub?"

"Oooh, I have a better idea. Let's try Chapter Ten."

Harry gave her a look. "I thought we agreed that book was rubbish!"

"Well, it's rubbish if you are trying to use it on your own to seduce me, but together, I have a feeling it is a different thing entirely." Ginny held out her hand. "Give it to me so I can see."

"I don't know, Ginny, last time it wouldn't let me turn straight to Chapter Ten."

"Oh, so you tried you get there already, did you? What, you assumed that using physical pleasure was the best way to get me to make up with you?"

"I didn't assume anything, Ginny. I knew."

"Hmph. Just give me the book."

But Ginny did not have any more success than Harry had at getting to Chapter Ten. After yelping and sucking on her fingers, she and Harry both peered at the words that were now snaking across the bottom of Chapter Six:

_Oho! So you think involving your lady friend will make it easier to get to the money chapter faster, do you? So sorry to disappoint yo, (NOT!), but you still have to do it the old fashioned way, one chapter at a time._

"Bollocks!" said Ginny. Now what?

"Well, I guess we just have to go through the chapters in order together, seven, eight and nine."

"So basically you are going to try to charm me even though I already know you are trying to charm me, and you already know I know that you are trying to charm me?"

"Uhhh, yes?"

"Well, that is kind of weird.'

"Yeah . . . unless . . . umm . . . aha!" Harry smirked. "Ron and Hermione don't know that you know and they don't know that I know you know, you know?"

"I do know. Oh, we can have some fun with them. If you can keep up your pathetically clueless act, they won't see the inside of a broom closet for weeks. Get the book, what does Chapter Seven say?"

"Chapter Seven can wait. First, I think I need to make up again for Chapters One through Five."

"Mmmm, yeah. But love?"

"Hmmm?"

"Let's go somewhere other than the common room floor. Those first years don't need any more sex education."

"Oh, I don't know, that one who mistook our nap after the backrub for post-coital bliss seems to have a bit to learn."

"Well, at least he got closer to the truth than the ones who thought we were dead."

"Ginny, after the weeks I have had trying, and failing, to charm you, I am kind of surprised I am not dead."

"I am too, Harry. Now let's go find a nice broom closet."


	4. If you don't like sexual innuendo, Skip

The next morning, Harry and Ginny convened secretly, away from the oh-so-observant eyes of Hermione and the totally-whipped-by-Hermione eyes of Ron. They needed to discuss the plan that Ginny had dubbed Operation Getting Back at my Completely Clueless Prat of a Brother and his Girlfriend, and which Harry called simply Operation Getting to Ten – as rapidly as possible. Opening the book between them, they began reading Chapter Seven.

_Chapter Seven – Using you Wand – No, Not That Wand!_

"Is it just me, or are they going a little overboard with the whole sexual innuendo thing?" Ginny asked, frowning at the book.

"It's not just you." Harry grinned wryly. "If I have to read one more sentence about 'proper use of my broomstick, oh no, not **that** broomstick', I am going to take my wand and shove it . . ."

"Your **real** wand, Harry?" asked Ginny, smirking.

"Well, that depends," said Harry, waggling his eyebrows at her. "Which wand do you consider my **real** one?"

"Hmmm," said Ginny, picking up Harry's Ollivander's wand. "Eleven inches, is it? Nice and supple, I see."

"Hey!" said Harry, grabbing it back. "You should never touch another wizard's wand without asking." He smirked. "If you asked, however, you'd find out that both my wands are nice and supple."

Ginny started laughing so hard she could barely catch her breath. "Y-y-yeah," She giggled, as Harry frowned a bit at her, "but I don't think your other one has ever made it to eleven inches, hmmm?"

Harry smirked again. "Maybe you just need to try harder."

Ginny gave him a haughty look. "Maybe I just need more to work with in the first place."

Harry had just begun a retort of his own when an ear-splitting whistle suddenly pierced the air.

"I think that came from the book," said Ginny. Indeed, as they peered over the pages, the following words began to streak across:

_Enough, you two! Leave all the clever sexual banter to those who have properly earned it. _

"What's a barmy book to say what we have earned and not?" asked Ginny crossly.

_You are on Chapter Seven, remember? Focus – or even though you may be able to talk a good game, talking is all you will be doing, while all around you, good friends are enjoying the pleasures of Chapter Ten. Ahem._

_Chapter Seven – Using Your Wand_

_Are you a wizard or what? Well, of course you are! So get out there and create some magic between you and your lady. Romantic charms, special spells, you name it, It's all here. Charm her mirror to whisper romantic poems when she fixes her hair in the morning. Transfigure last night's pot roast into a delicious gourmet meal. Nothing is too much when it comes to using magic to charm your lady. Now, get to it!_

Harry sighed. "So, I guess I have to come up with a bunch of magical spells to use on you to make you fall for me? Special treats, romantic poetry, and the like?"

"Well, don't sound so excited about it. I think it sounds kind of nice. Surprising me with a box of enchanted chocolates on my pillow at night, charming a fan to follow me around blowing cool air on me when it gets hot, that sort of thing."

"Hmmm, you certainly have given this a lot of thought, haven't you? Of course you would be in favor of all this – you are the one getting everlasting boxes of Chocoballs and mushy poetry. I'm the bloke doing all the work. Even though we both know that my natural charm and wand work was more than enough on its own to get you to fall for me."

"Ahhh!" Ginny held her head in her hands. "Too many jokes! Must tease Harry!" She grinned at him. "I really like lemon drops, not that you asked."

"I know exactly what you like, thank you very much. But I thought the whole point of this was to frustrate Ron and Hermione and get through these chapters as quickly as possible. Remember?"

Ginny sighed. "Yeah, you're right. Sorry about that. Got a little greedy, I guess."

"Hmpf. Just don't let it happen again. I like to surprise my witch when it actually is a surprise. Not when some silly book tells me I have to."

"So you are saying you have a surprise for me?"

"Your surprise is going to be that I am going to have to bury myself in the library again if we don't get going on our plans so that I can get to my Charms essay. Somehow, I don't think the NEWT examiners will be too impressed if I do my Charms practical on how to get a cup of water to follow my girlfriend around the school, just in case she gets thirsty."

"Now, if you could charm the cup to pour ice water on my brother every time his libido gets away from him, that might get you a top grade."

"Only if your mum is the examiner. Let's focus on the task at hand, shall we?"

"At **hand**??"

"Oi, I have created a monster. Give me a second to think."

Harry considered the chapter for a moment. "Ron and Hermione made a big deal over the fact that I missed our anniversary of dating. Maybe we should plan something around me trying to make it up to you." He looked at her sheepishly. "Sorry about that. One of my more clueless moments."

Ginny grinned back at him. "You are forgiven. And I am sorry too. I didn't make it particularly easy on you. I should have come right out and mentioned it, but some little voice inside kept telling me to wait and see if you remembered on your own. Now that I think about it, that voice sounded remarkably like Hermione. Errr, we have to get back at them. And you gave me a good idea about how to do it. . . "

Two days later, Ron and Hermione were having breakfast when a seemingly frantic Harry raced into the Great Hall.

"Okay guys, you have got to help me!" "What is it, Harry?" Hermione looked genuinely concerned.

"It's Ginny. She's not talking to me again. I, uhh, I tried Chapter Seven, and it backfired."

Ron frowned at Harry. "Chapter Seven? Isn't that the one about using your wand? Your **real** wand? That's like, the easiest chapter in the book. All you have to do is copy a couple of the mushy romantic charms and spells they give you, and your girl is putty in your . . . uhh . . ." Hermione was suddenly giving Ron a decidedly icy look.

"_Oops, can't have them bickering at each other. Next thing we know, they will be off somewhere 'making up', which is definitely not part of the plan."_

Harry grabbed Hermione's arm and, _"oh Merlin, am I really going to do this?" _whined. Like a first year. Who had not yet learned that you never complain to Professor McGonagall that turning a match into a needle was just too difficult.

"Hermione, PLEAAAASEEEE, you have to help me. You are the only witch in school who is clever enough to get me out of this!"

"_Flattery will get me everywhere_," Harry thought to himself, as Hermione blushed and turned towards him with a businesslike manner.

"What have you done **now**, Harry? I mean, really, if even Ron can get Chapter Seven right . . . although now it appears he did nothing more difficult that copy a couple of spells word for word . . ." She looked at Ron. "Honestly, Ronald, how could you let me think you came up with that really great self-blowing fan charm all on your own? I can't believe I was so impressed that I let you convince me to return the favor with a really great self blow . . . uhh, **thank you,** of my own, and now I find out that it wasn't even your idea?"

As Ron wiggled uncomfortably and muttered "didn't hear you complaining at the time, when I was . . ." Hermione harrumphed him into silence and looked back at Harry. "So, tell me what happened," she said helpfully.

Harry began to go into his carefully rehearsed tale of woe when Ron suddenly frowned at him.

"Uh, hey, mate, I thought you said you were giving up the book after Chapter Six?"

"_Whoops. Hoped he would have forgotten about that."_

"Umm, well, Chapter Six actually worked okay, so I decided to jump right into Chapter Seven – you know, since I was on a roll."

"I hope that is all you were on," muttered Ron. "So what happened with Chapter Seven? You didn't try that charm to make a wolf whistle sound follow Ginny around the halls did you?"

"Are you mental, Ron? I think I know your sister a little better than that. Why would I ever try such an offensive charm on her? Do you think I **want** to spend the rest of the day with Bat Bogeys flying around my face?" Ron's face had gone rather pink, and Harry, envisioning one of Hermione's more memorable walks to class last term, couldn't resist getting in another dig. "I mean honestly, what kind of bloke would think that a witch would fancy that sort of thing? Wolf-whistling, for Merlin's sake - you would have to be something of an idiot to try that on a girl you liked."

"Yeah, well, maybe the bloke wasn't thinking straight because he had just spent two hours snogging, um, I mean **working **on his Herbology homework, and it was really late at night, and anyway, aren't we supposed to be helping you?

"Ron's right," broke in Hermione. "We can talk about our issues later. What do you need?"

"Okay. Right. Well, I was going to try to make it up to Ginny for the whole, you know, forgetting our anniversary thing by, umm, planning to have all kinds of romantic things happen all day, and then have it end up with a picnic on the grounds, you know, with lots of special, magical surprises, but so far, nothing I have tried has worked out right.

Hermione sighed. "Okay, what spells were you trying to do?"

Harry pretended to think for a moment. He and Ginny had spent an hour the previous night pouring over the only copy of a ridiculously complicated Charms book and picking out the most difficult looking spells. They had then hidden the book in a remote section of the library that was otherwise devoted to the proper care and maintenance of gnome-repelling foliage.

"Okay. Umm, the first charm I wanted to do was for when we were studying together. Every time she opened a book, I wanted it to say something encouraging to her, but it had to be relevant to whatever she was studying and different every time."

"That is tricky. What happened?"

"Somehow, I messed up the charm, and it started saying things every time she turned a page – it got quite annoying for both of us and we finally had to give up studying all together."

Hermione had started to make notes on a piece of parchment. "Okay, book talking too much, got it. "What's next?"

"Well, I thought it would be romantic if all her food rearranged itself to spell out love messages from me to her on her plate as she ate."

Hermione raised her eyebrows. "And you thought you could pull off a charm like that?"

Harry acted defensive. "How was I supposed to know that she was going to choose to have soup for lunch? The hurricane that was formed in the bowl as her noodles attempted to spell out 'Ginny, be mine' caused quite a bit of damage to several third years and a bowl of pudding."

Ron started sniggering as Hermione tried to hush him. "Anything else, Harry?" she asked in a weary voice.

"Just one thing, but its kind of embarrassing."

Ron sat up, looking interested. "I don't remember any embarrassing spells in that Chapter. Now Chapter Ten, on the other hand. . . "

"Yes, Ron. I realize that you and Hermione have already explored the pleasures of Chapter Ten, **more than once**," Harry said in a loud voice as Ron opened his mouth. "But I would like to discuss my issues with Chapter Seven, if you don't mind."

"So, what were you trying to do?"

"Well, umm, I was kind of, umm, tryingtocharmherknickers."

"What was that?"

Harry sighed, a real blush starting to climb up his neck. "I – was – trying – to – charm - her –knickers. And my boxers. To, well . . . flirt with each other."

"WHILE YOU WERE BOTH WEARING THEM?"

"Uhhh, yeah?"

"What the hell were you thinking – trying that on my sister??"

Harry mentally grinned to himself. What he actually had been thinking when he and Ginny had found the spell was that this particular charm definitely deserved a place of honor in whatever site kept track of such things, because it was, without a doubt, **brilliant.** The two of them had practiced the charm on each other for a good part of the night, with hysterical results. By the end, he could actually get Ginny's knickers to giggle, blush, and . . . well. . .

"Y_ikes. Better not let my thoughts stray any further down that particular memory or I am going to have to leave Ron and Hermione immediately so I can go pull Ginny out of Muggle Studies . . . or at least go take a cold shower."_

To Ron's face, Harry couldn't help but smirk. "You mean I actually came up with something that isn't written in the esteemed Chapter Ten?"

"I didn't say that, I just don't like the thought of you doing any kind of charm like that on my sister!"

"Enough, Ron," said Hermione. "So I take it this charm didn't work either?"

"No. Instead of getting her knickers to flirt with my boxers, I made them start to cry and run away." Harry put on the sorriest face he could. "In the middle of the common room. Scared a couple of first years half to death. Ginny was wearing a rather short skirt, you see."

"WHAT?? You charmed my little sister to go _commando_ in the common room?"

Ron's voice had gotten rather loud at this last part, and further down the table, Lavender and Parvati looked up with interest.

"OOOhhhh, is that the title of the next book by Trashi Lovelace? I loved _Amorous in the Attic_ and _Behaving Badly in the Bathroom. _ I can't wait to read what happens in _Commando in the Common Room_!"

At this point, Harry was finding extremely difficult to keep a straight face. To hide his amusement, he finally buried his head in his arms on the table and groaned. He was going to need a Pensieve to remember all this when he told Ginny later.

"Just help me! Please, Hermione! I can't take much more of this!"

Hermione rolled up her parchment. "This is going to take some research. I am not even sure where you can find some of those charms. And the reversal spell on her knickers is going to be particularly difficult. They started to cry, you say? I had better get to the library right away."

"But, 'Mione," Ron whined. "We were supposed to spend the day together . . . you know . . . _studying_?"

Hermione sighed. "I'm sorry Ron. That is going to have to wait. Harry's need is much greater."

"How do you know how great his need is? Harry, you aren't going commando too, are you?"

"Oi, Ron, no!"

Ron huffed. "Fine. Well, since 'Mione is going to be stuck in the library all day and Ginny isn't talking to you, do you want to go play chess or something?"

"_Ooops, didn't see that one coming._"

"Actually, Ron, I think I should go read up on Chapter Eight. You can never be too prepared, you know. But I bet that Neville would love to play chess with you. He has gotten pretty good lately."

That last was something of a lie. Neville was pretty mediocre at wizard's chess, but Ron could be counted on to spend the next five hours teaching him, and Neville **was** an avid learner. Sighing in the direction of his retreating girlfriend, Ron left for Gryffindor Tower and Harry made his way grinning to the hallway outside Ginny's Muggle Studies class. He suspected that her knickers had a few more things to say to him before they started discussing what to do about Chapter Eight.

Ginny thought Harry had done brilliantly at getting Ron and Hermione apart from each other, and wasted no time showing her appreciation. In the hallway. And behind a gargoyle. And on the moving staircase to the fifth floor, until Harry slipped and almost fell down three flights. After that they confined themselves to holding hands until they got up to a remote classroom on the sixth floor well away from both the library and Gryffindor Tower.

"Serves them right . . . that they aren't going to get to be . . . mmmm . . . together the entire day, after all the bragging . . . oh yeah, right there . . . my brother has done about Chapter Ten," Ginny told Harry between kisses.

"Do we really have to . . . talk . . . about your brother right now?"

Ginny sighed and pulled her lips off their current position on Harry's neck. "Hey!" he protested. "I said to stop talking, not kissing!"

"I know, but we should probably spend at least a couple of minutes reviewing Chapter Eight. Isn't that what you told my brother you were going to be doing right now?"

"Yeah. I guess. But that's not nearly as fun as doing, hmmm, _this_, or, let's see . . . _this_¸ now is it?"

Ginny groaned. "What was I thinking, giving you the silent treatment for two weeks?"

"I asked myself the same question. Many times, Ginny. Just don't do it again."

"As long as you keep doing . . . that . . . Oh, Merlin! . . . I promise. Never ahhhhgain."

"Good," said Harry. Now let's take a look at Chapter Eight. You did tell me that that is what we are supposed to be doing, right?"

Ginny gave him a look. "Yes. Fine. What does it say?"

They opened the book together and peered at the introduction to the chapter, each reading it silently. After a second, Harry said "Are they serious? They can't really believe that kind of thing works, can they? I mean, what kind of witch would fall for that??"

Ginny was laughing. "The kind of witch who attends those Harry Potter Fan Club meetings, I guess."

"Well, I am not doing it. That is absolutely crazy. No one would buy it anyway. Hermione would see through me in a second, and Ron . . . well, Ron would probably go mental."

"Not if he knew why you were doing it. He might even be able to help you out."

"Forget it. It goes against all my principles. See if you can turn to Chapter Nine. I want to see what it says. Anything has to be better."

Ginny gingerly turned the page, but the book did not protest. She read silently for a minute. "Hmmm. Interesting. Looks like you can actually do Chapters Eight and Nine together, sort of." She showed Harry the book. "Would you consider trying Chapter Eight if you moved on to Chapter Nine immediately afterwards?"

Harry looked at the page she was pointing to. He frowned. "I'm supposed to cry?"

Three hours later, Harry and Ginny snuck up to Gryffindor Tower, carefully avoiding being seen by anyone who could blow their cover that they were actually not, not speaking to each other. Ginny went through the portrait hole while Harry hid behind a suit of armor and mentally counted to 500, before approaching the Fat Lady himself.

Inside the common room, he immediately located Ginny talking animatedly to both Ron and Hermione, whom, it seemed, had just returned from the library. By the look of it, Ginny was reenacting their concocted disappearing knickers scenario, and doing a good job of it. Harry was impressed to see that the expression on her face was the proper mix of outrage and embarrassment, and that she was doing an admirable job of not dissolving into laughter. That last achievement was made quite a bit more difficult when Ginny caught sight of Harry. She had to fake a massive coughing fit until he passed by her and grabbed Ron, muttering "Our room. Now," before heading up the stairs to their dorm. On his way to the stairs, however, Hermione stopped him for a moment, looking like she was about to burst with the massive amounts of knowledge she had acquired in the library.

"Harry, I think I figured out a solution to your book and food problem, but I have to admit, the knickers thing still has me stumped. To hear Ginny tell it, the knickers did not just burst into tears, they had an all out fit and threatened never to come back, ever again. That complicates things considerably."

Mentally congratulating his girlfriend for her theatrics, Harry put on a serious face.

"Wow, Hermione, that sounds really bad. I don't know what I was thinking, trying a charm like that. I should have just come to an expert like you in the first place."

He might have been laying it on a bit thick, but he had learned over the years not to underestimate Hermione's love of deciphering the most esoteric and difficult magic possible. She beamed at him. "It's okay Harry, I don't mind helping. Ron can wait to, umm, _study, _a little bit longer." I'll just pop up to my room and review this book I found in the library. You're really lucky I found it – for some reason it was shelved over in the Herbology section. Madame Pince is slipping a bit, if you ask me."

On his way upstairs, Harry risked giving Ginny a quick grin and subtle thumbs up, and then headed to meet Ron and put the next two chapters of their plan into action.

He found Ron laying on his bed, thumbing longingly through what had to be Chapter Ten. The book seemed to be vibrating as he turned the pages, and Harry could have sworn it moaned at one point. Getting an idea, he leaned over Ron's shoulder to peer at the page, which seemed to be covered with a complicated-looking diagram, when the book suddenly snapped itself shut, a warning siren going off from its spine. Ron looked up at Harry in disgust.

"What do you think you are doing? I was just getting to the good part! If I can't have Hermione right now, at least let me have Chapter Ten!"

Ron's attempts to stroke a book, _a book, for Merlin's sake!_ into some kind of librarian bliss were getting to be too much for Harry. He burst into laughter. "Give it a rest, mate. I know Hermione has practically memorized the entire library, but trust me, I don't think you are going to get the same sort of satisfaction by practicing your moves on a book."

Ron harrumphed. "Shows what you know. Amateur."

Harry sighed. "Whatever floats your boat, mate. But can we focus on my problems with Chapters Eight and Nine for a second? Can you believe what the book is asking me to do?"

Ron flipped the book to Chapter Eight and grinned. "Oh come on, Harry. What's wrong with Chapter Eight? You, of all people, were practically born to do it, if you would just give up your damn modestly and nobility for a second and let yourself be _appreciated_ by all your adoring fans."

"I don't want to be appreciated by legions of adorning female fans who are only interested in whether Harry Potter, Savior of the Wizarding World, dresses to the left or right. I only want to be appreciated by one female fan, and I think you know as well as I do that having me strut around spouting about how brave and important and chivalrous I am is not the way to win her heart."

Ron grinned. "First of all, mate, I hate to break it to you, but I don't think your legions of adoring fans are confined to the female persuasion, if you know what I mean. Seems that I heard about the formation of a new fan club devoted strictly to blokes, I think they were calling it the Queer-y Potter fan club. Catchy name, don't you think?"

Harry groaned. "Ron, that is not something I need to be thinking about right now. I am having enough trouble with all the witches who keep sending me pairs of knickers and things. I don't think I could handle it if the next owl contained a pair of y-fronts." He gave Ron a sly look. "And didn't I hear about a Ron Weasley fan club starting up in Leeds? What was their motto? 'If it's not Red in bed, you might as well be dead?'" He smirked. "Or wait, was that the London branch? I can't remember, which one came up with 'Ginger Snapp-y will make a witch Happ-y?' How does Hermione feel about the competition? Hmmm?

Harry was not surprised that Ron had a rather proud look on his face. His role in the downfall of Voldemort had not gone unnoticed, and Harry knew that Ron had received his own fair share of knickers in the past months. He intended to use that pride to his and Ginny's advantage as they hopefully moved quickly past Chapter Eight.

"Okay, fine. So, according to Chapter Eight, a good way to charm a witch is to impress her with my bravery and importance. What exactly did you do when you got to this Chapter?"

Here Ron blushed a bit. "Well, I had been reading that chapter around the time that we escaped Bill and Fleur's wedding and were planning our break-in at the Ministry. I guess the book figured that was enough – it didn't give me too much trouble with going on."

"And with Chapter Nine . . . "

"Yeah. After that whole thing at Malfoy Manor the book practically wet itself pushing me to read Chapter Ten."

Harry looked down at the book. The introductory notes to both Chapters Eight and Nine were on the same page:

_Chapter Eight – Impress her, Impress her, Impress her! Have you done something simply fantastic lately? Or something you can at least make sound fantastic? Well, this is not the time to be modest! Let her know how great you are! Witches don't want a wimpy wizard, they want a Wiz! Don't hold back – tell it like it is – or at least how you would like it to be. For ideas on how to make yourself sound as important as possible, keep reading this Chapter._

There was then a big red "BUT" flashing on and off in the middle of the page.

_BUT_

_If your scheme to build yourself up in your witch's eyes backfires (and we are not saying it will or that it should, but hey, some of you wizards reading out there are going to be distinctly less fabulous than others), then you can move gracefully on to Chapter Nine – Show Your Vulnerable Side – Let her see you cry! Witches love all that sensitive mushy stuff. Let her show you comfort and you will have her cuddling, and more, all the way to Chapter Ten, in no time._

Harry ran his hand through his hair. "So, if all that stuff you did during the war was enough to get you through these chapters of the book, then I should have been on Chapter Ten ages ago, right?"

Ron's grin did not hold a bit of sympathy. "Sorry, mate. Old news. You need to impress Ginny now, not a year ago."

"Oi. How?

"I don't know, what have you been doing at all those Auror training meetings in London with Kingsley?"

The meetings so far had been mostly confined to various bits of bureaucratic nonsense that Kingsley wanted to get out of the way before Harry officially joined the ranks, and Ginny knew it. Ron and Hermione, however, did not.

Harry pretended to consider the question for a minute. "Well, I'm not actually supposed to talk about it, but Kingley had me shadow a couple of Aurors on their raids of supposed dark wizard's homes. Do you think Ginny would be interested in hearing about that?"

Ron had an eager look on his face. "I don't know, but, with Hermione out of commission for a while I wouldn't mind hearing about it."

"Yeah, but I am definitely not trying to charm you, and if I see a pair of your y-fronts anywhere near my bed, I am moving out immediately."

Ron gave Harry a look. "Boxers, Harry, please. Give me a little credit."

Harry smirked. "Don't you mean, give Hermione a little credit? I remember exactly when your choice of undergarments made the big switch from those cute little white briefs with Cannons logos and broomsticks all over them to big-boy boxers. It was right after that rather embarrassing streaking through the common room incident, wasn't it?"

As Ron scowled, Harry took on a reminiscing tone of voice. "Ahh, I remember it well. Five Seventh Year blokes, one bottle of firewhiskey, four of us in nice, manly boxers, and one little Ronniekins, running through Gryffindor Tower in his tighty-whities. I don't know who blushed more, you or Hermione. I do know, however, that you had a brand new pile of boxers laying on your bed the very next day with a note that said 'Burn the others. Now.' Am I remembering correctly?"

"Well at least my witch has had plenty of opportunities to see exactly what kind of undergarments I wear. At the rate you are going, you are never going to get to Chapter Ten."

"You are right, Ron. I guess it's now or never. Let's go find Ginny. Back me up, okay?"

"You mean, tell you when to duck?"

"Very funny."

Downstairs in the common room, Ginny was sitting at a table with Hermione, who appeared to be describing to her, in excruciating detail, what she had done to fix the charms that Harry had supposedly bungled up. Ginny had a rather glazed look on her face and when Ron and Harry appeared, she turned towards them with a hopeful smile that clearly said, to Harry at least, "Save me!"

Harry grinned cheekily at the girls. "Hey Hermione, have you told Ginny about that great discovery you make on pages 957 – 1038 of Hogwarts, a History?"

While Ginny shot not entirely fake daggers at him, and Hermione launched into a long-winded diatribe about the magical spells that had been used to make sure the floor joists in the castle were strong enough to contain the magical energy of an entire school-full of underage wizards, Ron and Harry sat down at a nearby table and opened up their own school books.

After a minute, Ron looked at Harry and asked, in a slightly-too-fake voice, "So, Harry, how have all those important Auror meetings been going with Kingsley? You know, the Minister of Magic? Didn't go on a big Death Eater raid recently?"

To his right, Harry heard Ginny snort. He gave her a quick look that said "_Yeah, that is your brother all right. Master of subtlety and tact he is not," _before turning back to Ron with a serious expression on his face.

"Ron, not so loud! That information is classified! The mission could be seriously compromised if our plans and strategies fall into the wrong hands."

"Yeah, but it sounds so cool! Tell me just a little about what you did, you know, when you single-handedly protected four other Aurors from being hit by the Reductor curse?"

This was getting to be too much. Ginny had laid her head on the desk and Harry could tell she was trying desperately not to laugh. Meanwhile, Ron's overly enthusiastic ramblings had attracted the attention of a couple of first and second years, who now crowded around the table as well, shooting questions at Harry.

"Harry, Harry, is it true? Did you really capture six escaped Death Eaters using only Expelliarmus?"

"No way, I heard it was seven!"

"What about the Veritaserum? I heard you have built up a tolerance to it, so even if your enemies give you a vat full, you can keep from telling them your secrets."

"_This was perfect – he wasn't going to have to do any bragging of his own at all – they were doing it all for him! Hopefully this would count for the book."_

"And the Apothecary in Diagon Alley is going to repackage its supply of Felix Felicis potion with your picture on the bottles because you are so lucky in everything you do, right?"

Harry had to bite the inside of his lip to keep from exploding in hysterics. He kept his face firmly turned away from Ginny and was just starting to regain control when he felt a tug on his robes. A small girl stood there, looking at him earnestly.

"Umm, Harry? Do you still have that really pretty pair of purple lacy knickers you got sent last week? Cause, umm, they were my last clean pair and I kind of need them back."

As Harry went to bang his head down on the table, he unfortunately caught Ginny's eye. It was no good. He gave up and started howling with laughter as he heard his girlfriend lose it herself over at the next table, while Ron, Hermione and the crowd of first and second years looked on in confusion. Harry laughed so hard that tears began trickling unbidden down his face.

"_Wait a minute! I'm crying! In front of Ginny. This is great! _

Turning to his girlfriend, he managed to gasp out, "Ginny, I hope you appreciate the fact that your boyfriend is sensitive enough to let you see him cry."

As Ginny gave another loud snort and started crying herself, Harry grinned. "Chapter Ten, here we come!"


	5. Oh yes, Oh Yes, OH YES, It's Chapter Ten

A/N – so here we are, finally. I hope you have fun reading! For those of you that are fans of Friends, you will recognize that I liberally borrowed a couple of my favorite scenes that were just too funny (IMO, at least) to leave out. And yes, before some of you write, I do agree that Hermione, Ron and Harry (and to a lesser extent Ginny) are all acting fairly out of character at times in the sense that they are behaving more like they are single and in their early 20s rather than their teens in relationships and in school, but hey, it's a comedy and a spoof and all in good fun. And anyway, I was always rather amazed at how little chaperoning there seemed to be in the books – at least in Gryffindor Tower, and I assume, the other houses. I mean really, a basically co-ed dormitory with no adults around unless they are called and the girls allowed up into the boys' rooms? I suspect that quite a bit of hanky panky went on with the older students, and not just in the broom closets. Why couldn't I have gone to a school like that?

Special thanks to GREYWOLF for his suggestion of another spell regarding knickers.

**O****h yes, Oh Yes, OH YES! It's Chapter Ten!**

Ron and Hermione were decidedly **not **amused when they discovered that Harry and Ginny had, in no particular order:

1) Actually **not **been upset with each other over Harry's attempts to get through _Twelve Fail Safe Ways to Charm Witches_, 2) been faking their argument in a successful attempt to keep Ron and Hermione away from both Harry and Ginny and apart from each other, 3) been enjoying their solitude by snogging each other in every private, and even a couple of not-so-private, corners of the castle, and, most annoyingly, 4) been laughing their arses off about the whole thing for a week.

Harry pointed out, quite reasonably, he thought, that if Ron and Hermione had not been so keen on proving to him that using the book to make up with Ginny was far superior to **not** using the book to make up with Ginny, then he and Ginny would probably have made up weeks ago, leaving Ron and Hermione to their own, umm, _devices_.

"And if you make one comment about Chapter Ten and its use of devices, I swear, Ron, I will hex your bits so thoroughly that you will need a _device_ just to use the loo," said Ginny with barely a hint of amusement in her voice.

Harry thought hard for a minute, and then commented in a serious voice, "Not to mention that Ron spent so much time talking about how wonderful Chapter Ten is, it's no wonder we decided to do anything we could to get through the rest of the book as quickly as possible." Harry looked pointedly at Ginny before continuing. "I mean, to hear Ron talk, you would think that Chapter Ten is _larger than life_ or something."

Right on cue, Ginny broke in again. "And if you even think, Ron, of telling us that you know something else that is 'larger than life,' then I am going to take whatever bits you have left after I finished hexing them the first time, and, and . . . and send them to mum!" she finished triumphantly as Ron flinched.

"All right, all right, I get it. No more bragging about how many times 'Mione and I have enjoyed Chapter Ten . . ." Ron coughed suddenly, a loud bark that sounded suspiciously like the word "seven", "and no more bugging you about how long it has taken the two of you to get there too." Here, Ron couldn't help but snigger. "I mean, really. If you hadn't been so intent on pranking us, you might have been at Chapter Ten days ago!

"Hmpf," said Harry. "It certainly wasn't all work and no fun. We had that flirting underwear, you know."

Here, Hermione suddenly broke in. "What do you mean? You actually got that spell to work? I thought you made Ginny's knickers run away!"

She said this last a little too loudly, and several younger students looked up curiously. Hermione lowered her voice, but was unable to hide the blatant envy mixed with admiration when she said, "that is very, very, advanced magic. You actually figured out how to do the spell?"

"On our first try," said Ginny, knowing it would incense Hermione to no end.

"But, I spent two hours studying that charms book and I couldn't figure out how to do it!" cried Hermione, clearly in shock that she had been beaten by a spell that someone else had been able to master with ease.

"I don't think it matters how long you study, when it comes to that particular charm," said Harry, smirking. "It's all in how you wave your wand. And you all know which wand I am talking about."

Ron, Hermione, and even Ginny gave a collective groan. "Enough talking, more action!" said Ginny. "Did we go through all this to get to Chapter Ten or what?"

"Ahem," said Hermione haughtily. "Right now Ginny has Herbology, and then we all have Potions. Looks like there will be no Chapter Ten for you and Harry for quite a few hours."

"Yeah," said Ron, grabbing the book. "And since it is my book in the first place, I think 'Mione and I need to make up for lost time. We missed a lot of, umm, _studying_, you know."

"Oh, come on!" Harry protested. "Don't you have the bloody thing memorized by now? It's not my fault I left my copy of the book at the Burrow. You have been going on about how great Chapter Ten is for weeks! We are in sight of the finish line and now you are getting greedy?"

"Greedy?? You are talking about ravishing my sister here! You are lucky I haven't just ripped out the entire Chapter and started carrying it around in a special imperviused notebook the way 'Mione keeps her interesting quotes from professors organized."

"You do what?" Ginny was trying hard not to laugh.

"I write down interesting and thought-provoking statements our professors make during class," said Hermione without a hint of embarrassment. "Some of their off-the-cuff comments and anecdotes they make are really quite enlightening, if you just pay attention. Why, just last week Professor Binns made a fascinating comparison between . . ."

"Oi Hermione!" broke in Ron. "I love you and all, but there is no way Professor Binns has ever said anything fascinating about anything! I mean, he could probably give a lecture on Chapter Ten itself and put us all to sleep before he even got to the part about . . ." here, Ron suddenly dropped his voice and whispered animatedly into Hermione's ear. Her blush rivaled any Weasley, but she maintained her composure, and after a second, began whispering back to Ron.

Harry looked at his friends, who seemed well on their way to a good _study _session, and then at Ginny, and then at the book, which was laying tantalizingly close to her left hand. Slowly, she worked it out from under Ron's arm, and had it halfway to her bag when Hermione suddenly broke away from Ron's mouth and yelled "Hey! I saw that! And you need to go to Herbology!"

With his Seeker's reflexes, Harry grabbed the book and stowed it in his own bag. "I don't know what is upsetting you more, Hermione, the fact that we got the book or the fact that Ginny is considering skipping class."

"It is only ten days until exams," said Hermione primly. "I can't imagine that Ginny is considering skiving off any of her lessons."

"Fine. I'm going," huffed Ginny. "Harry, study the book. I want a full report after DADA. And I mean full."

As Ginny gathered up her things, Harry went to take the book back out of his bag. Ron looked up in a panic and grabbed his arm.

"Not here, mate! There are children present!! You might corrupt them!"

"Ron, it's just a book. How exactly am I going to corrupt a bunch of first years reading a book?"

Ginny snorted. "Particularly since most of them have already witnessed Harry's boxers asking my knickers if they would like to dance the tango. All that rubbing up against each other, you know."

Ron shuddered. "Way too much information! And aren't you supposed to be in class?"

"I'm going, I'm going!"

Once Ginny was gone, Harry pulled the book out of his bag and, before Ron could say anything, opened it widely to Chapter Ten.

"_Halleluiah!! Halleluiah!!"_

The book sang out loudly until Harry hastily shut it, trying to look nonchalant as various heads popped up around the common room. Luckily most of the younger students had gone to class. Harry suspected from the knowing looks he was getting from some of the older boys that Chapter Ten was rather more familiar around Hogwarts than he might have previously thought. Deciding to have some fun, he ignored Ron's moans to give him the book and, as if nothing odd had happened, opened the book again.

"_Do a little dance, Make a little love, Get down tonight!"_

Harry slammed the book shut again.

"I told you! You don't know what you are getting yourself into, mate." Ron was trying to tug the book out of Harry's hands. In response, he grinned and opened it for a third time.

"_Sex is natural, Sex is fun, Sex is best when it's One on One!"_

Most of the sixth and seventh years in the room were looking at Harry now; several of the boys were cheering him on."

"You have to respect the book! I mean it!" yelled Hermione. "Ron, help me shake some sense into your friend!"

In response:

"_And you, shook me all night long!"_

Even Ron had started to laugh as Harry waggled his eyebrows at the room at large and flicked open the book again with a flourish.

"_Like a Virgin . . . Touched for the Very FIRST Time!"_

"Ahhhhh!" yelled Harry, pouncing on the book to shut it. Around him, the room dissolved into howls of laughter. Bright red now, Harry shoved the book back into his bag while Ron gasped, "I warned you, mate."

"Fine, I am going to our room."

"Not alone you're not," said Hermione. "You have definitely proved you are not ready for this. Ron and I need to help."

"I thought the two of you had some _studying _to do!"

"Trust me," said Ron. "We'll get plenty of _studying_ done this way too."

"Ugh. I don't even want to think about what you mean with that comment."

Once the trio was up in the boys' dorm and the door was locked and silenced, Harry looked pointedly at his friends. "Am I allowed to open it, now?"

"Go ahead," said Ron. "But stick to the introduction."

_Chapter Ten – Using your Wand. Yes! We Finally Mean __**That**__ Wand!_

_Congratulations!! It looks like you have finally, Finally, FINALLY made it to the good bit of the book. First of all, What took you so long? Are you sure she is worth it? Most blokes get here much faster._

"How does the book expect me to want to read it if it keeps insulting me??" Harry asked, somewhat petulantly.

"Just be glad it's not making fun of the size of your wand like it does when Ron . . ." began Hermione.

"Hey!" said Ron. "It only did that once, after we had finished collecting cold-water plants in the lake for Herbology. Shrinkage - remember?"

Hermione's face took on the look they recognized as her having whenever she had something new to learn. She sat up. "Harry, is that true? Does it really shrink in cold water? And how much? Just a little, or does it really disappear all the way up in there?"

Harry thought that this had to be the last conversation he would ever want to have with Hermione. He mumbled "Uhmm, yes, a bit. Can we get back to the chapter now?" and hoped that would be it.

"I told you so," said Ron. "Go on, Harry."

Relieved, Harry bent over the page again. To his surprise, there was not much more. He had been expecting cheesy come-ons, annoyingly cliché innuendo, even a bit of encouragement. Instead, what he read was,

_So, what are you waiting for? Turn the page!_

So he did.

"AHHHH, WHAT IS THAT??"

Harry flung the book away in surprise and jumped back about two feet, his heart beating unnaturally fast.

"Harry!" Hermione looked scandalized, and after a minute, Harry realized it had nothing to do with the content of the page he had just seen. She walked over to where the book lay upside down and gently picked it up, smoothing down its crumpled pages and straightening the spine.

"You should never treat a piece of literature with so little respect, Harry."

"Literature? Literature? Did you see what was on that page?"

Smirking, Ron took the book from Hermione and opened it back up. "What, this?"

With some trepidation, Harry looked down again at the page. It was filled with a complicated diagram that seemed to be simultaneously vibrating, humming slightly, and occasionally, pulsing. Numbered arrows pointed to what Harry supposed were various significant bits, each one flashing on and off at its own speed as if to try to draw his eye to it first. "What in the name of Salazar Slytherin's saggy shorts is that?"

"It's a diagram of the important parts of a witch's anatomy, of course." Ron smirked again. "Guess I should be relieved that you haven't gotten as far with my sister as I thought."

Harry peered at the picture more closely. "But why is it all green?"

"That is the brilliant part!" Hermione said excitedly. "It teaches you how to be there for her!"

Harry was truly frightened by the look on Hermione's face. "Uhh, what?"

"See, most blokes just want one thing when they are with a witch, and they want that one thing as quickly as possible and as often as they can. They practically forget that there is a living breathing person attached to the . . . "

"Okay! I get it!" yelled Harry. "_Oi, wasn't Ginny ever going to get out of Herbology?" _ He revised his earlier thought – **this** was definitely the last conversation he would ever want to have with Hermione. "And anyway, I resent that assumption. I will have you know that Ginny and I have a wonderful, nurturing, loving relationship built on mutual trust and respect and, and, umm, equal time for each of us." He said this last as quickly as possible while backing as far away from Ron as he could. But Hermione was not finished.

"Yeah, yeah, that's what you all think, at first. We are just usually too nice to tell you otherwise."

"Hey!" said Ron.

"Sorry, sweetie, but it took even you two or three times to figure out how to keep from 'dropping the Quaffle', so to speak, when it was time to make me happy."

Harry put his fingers in his ears.

"So, anyway," said Hermione, pulling Harry's hands away from his head and picking up the thread of her speech. "That is what this page teaches you. How to Be There. For Her." She paused. "And only her. Without thinking about your own wands and needs."

"Ha ha," said Harry weakly. "So, I guess you had better tell me how it works."

"It is really quite clever. Each of these numbered arrows corresponds to a different pleasure zone on the female anatomy."

"All of them?"

"Yes, Harry," said Hermione. "All of them. And stop smirking, Ron, you said the same thing. Just because blokes only have a single 'happy place', they seem to think that we witches want to dive right into it, wands ablazing, as soon as they have given us a few perfunctory kisses."

"Wands ablazing, 'Mione? Last time I checked, which was not recently enough, thanks to Harry and Ginny, you didn't have a _wand_ to blaze, at all, _thank goodness._" Ron muttered this last under his breath while looking pointedly at his girlfriend.

"It's an expression, Ronald."

"Well, what do you expect, Hermione? That's the way we are made".

"You want to blame your raging male libido on biology??"

"What's biology?" asked Ron. "Oh, never mind. Let me put in simple terms. It's like this. Remember last fall, when the four of scored those great tickets to see the Weird Sisters?"

Harry was apparently forgotten for the moment, but he didn't mind. He could not wait to hear Ron try to get out of this one.

"Ummhmm. We had really great seats."

"Right, and the Weird Sisters were supposed to take the stage at 8 pm, but you and Ginny insisted we get there at 7 to hear the opening act, what was it, the Nine Inch Wands?"

"They were good!"

"Yeah, yeah, they were fine. Okay, the Nine Inch Wands are like foreplay. Nice to listen to at the start, but not the reason we bought the tickets in the first place."

Ron was getting on a roll. "You see, Hermione, the problem with women is that they love that opening act **and** they love the concert, but after the Weird Sisters have played their final encore, you are all still hanging around and hoping that the Wands come back out for another set."

"While blokes, on the other hand," said Harry, deciding that between his two friends, being supportive of Ron was more likely to get him back to the book fastest, "we are busy looking for the exit, getting to a safe apparition point, and pretty much just trying to stay awake."

Ron gave Harry a high five.

"Well, let me tell both of you something, and you had better listen carefully," said Hermione ominously. "You figure out how bring back the opening act, or the next time you want to see a concert, you are going to be sitting at home, listening to the wireless, alone, hoping against hope that you can somehow get a Nine Inch Wand - All. By. Yourself." She smiled sweetly at the boys and picked up the book again. "Now, where were we? Oh yes, being there for her."

She looked at Harry. "So as I said, Harry, each of these arrows corresponds to a certain erogenous zone on the female."

"Hermione, do me a favor. Never, ever, use the term 'erogenous zone' in front of me again."

Hermione huffed, "Fine. You know what I mean anyway. Now, the way you get the diagram to stop being green is by, umm, practicing on it."

"Excuse me?"

"You practice on it. By, umm, stroking the various _zones_, in a particular order."

"I think I am really going to regret asking this, but, stroking with what??"

"Well, umm, your hand, or ummm, your wand – your Ollivanders wand," she said hurriedly as Harry pushed the book away from him with a horrified look on his face.

"And when you get really advanced, you can use your tongue!" Ron interjected.

Harry closed his eyes. "Ron, I have been carrying this book around with me and pouring over the various chapters for the last month. Please, please please tell me that you have not gotten to the advanced part yet."

"Unfortunately not yet, mate," said Ron. "But I think I am getting close."

"Yeah, well, when you actually do make it, please forget to mention it to me. Go on, Hermione. I guess."

"Well, when you get the order right, then ummm, the diagram starts to change color and the witch you are trying to charm should start enjoying herself, too. It's a really good practice technique and everyone can remain fully clothed."

"Thank Merlin for that. And what exactly is the right order?"

"Well, it is different for every witch, and even then, it can change from time to time. For example, look at number two here, that is usually a lovely place to start, and then four is pretty close by so it's easy to move right there, and then I would probably jump down to six, see? And then back up to two for just a quick visit. Don't forget to pay some attention to seven – seven is always popular and leads pretty naturally into eight and nine. And then you probably want to go to three, back up to seven a bit, and then three . . . two . . . three . . . down to six . . . seven . . . seven . . . Seven . . . Seven . . . SEVEN . . . Oh Merlin!"

As Harry watched, horrified, the diagram in the book suddenly glowed bright red and sparkly and started shooting multi-colored confetti into the air while party horns blared throughout the room. Hermione looked like she had just run through the Forbidden Forest while being chased by a bunch of Acromantulas.

Harry looked at Ron, who was gazing at his girlfriend with what could only be described as awe.

"Ron?"

"Uh huh??"

"Was it my imagination, or did your girlfriend just get a . . . a _book,_ to . . . to . . . climax?"

"Wasn't it awesome?"

"Ron?"

"Uh huh?"

"You need to Obliterate me. Now."

Half an hour later, Harry was pacing back and forth in the Great Hall, trying to forget what he had just seen. Finally the door opened and a group of Seventh Years came in covered in dirt and branches. Ignoring this, Harry grabbed Ginny and hugged her tightly.

"Harry, I'm filthy! What . . . is something wrong?"

"Yes, something is wrong. Something is really wrong. I need to find a spell that will burn out my eyeballs."

"What??"

Harry looked at his girlfriend. "You know how we joke about how much Hermione loves books?"

"Yeah."

"Well, just now, up in my dorm, I just watched her _love_ a book. And I mean _LOVE._" With two fingers, Harry gingerly pulled _Twelve Fail Safe Ways _out of his bag. It was smoking slightly and bits of confetti still dropped from its pages.

Ginny looked both fascinated and slightly sick. "And you brought it here?"

"Well, I needed to, for its own protection. I think the only way I can get certain . . . images . . . out of my head is if you and I go through the chapter together after DADA."

Ginny looked around. "Where are Ron and Hermione?"

Harry smirked a bit. "Skiving, I suspect."

"My brother, maybe, but Hermione??"

"Trust me, Ginny. Given what I just saw, I will be surprised if they make it to another class today. Let's take good notes, hmmm?"

Hermione and Ron did make it to late afternoon Charms, both looking distinctly disheveled, although Ron at least had an air of satisfaction about him. Hermione was in a panic.

"Oh Merlin, how could we miss DADA?? I have not missed a class since that episode with the time turner third year!! Did you talk about casting three dimensional shields? I am having so much trouble with them and I knew they were on the schedule today!" To Harry's surprise, she suddenly rounded on him.

"How could you let me miss class? You know we only have ten days until our NEWTs!!"

Harry started, and then sputtered, "Well, umm, it, umm, actually had nothing to do with me. Your missing class, I mean. Yell at Ron. He was the one keeping you, ummm, occupied."

"Oh, Ron!" Hermione huffed. "He was too busy thinking with 'little Ronniekins' instead of his brain. How could I expect anything from him?"

"Didn't hear you complaining about half an hour ago when I . . . " said Ron.

"Enough, you two!" said Ginny. "Harry's brain is about to explode as it is from the show Hermione apparently gave him earlier. We are glad you had fun. We have notes from DADA. Now get into class!"

"_Merlin, she is sexy when she is being bossy_," thought Harry. "_Especially when it is not directed at me. Tonight is going to be fun . . ."_

Luckily for Harry and Ginny, Hermione was so upset about missing DADA that she grabbed their notes, and Ron, and dragged both of them to the library for what looked to be an all night study session. That's study session, not _study session_. They took the book, and the Invisibility Cloak, and barricaded themselves on Harry's bed with the hangings drawn and a couple of strategically placed silencing charms.

"Since when did the Gobstones club figure out how to get into the Room of Requirement?" Ginny complained.

"Who cares? This will work just fine. Seamus and Dean seem to be deeply involved in a game of Exploding Snap with Lavender and Parvati – they will be busy flirting for hours. And Neville is helping Professor Sprout re-pot Mandrakes or something. He was really excited to get down to the greenhouses after dinner."

Ginny opened up the book, asking "So, where did you leave off?" She stopped suddenly and frowned at the page. "What is **that**?"

"According to Hermione, that diagram represents the important parts of a witch's anatomy."

"Yeah, but why is it green?"

Another confetti shower later, Ginny and Harry were ready to move onto the remainder of the chapter.

"Unless, of course, you want to try the _advanced_ version of that page," suggested Harry. I never knew it could be so much fun to 'be there for you.' Remind me to give your brother a little more credit next time I see him."

Ginny grinned. "I think we have had enough practice. Let's move onto something that requires less clothing."

"As you wish, my lady." Harry turned the page.

"Hmmm, sex toys. This should be fun. Let's see. Here's a charm for expanding and cushioning a broomstick so that two people can . . . hmmm, I think our brooms are locked up for the night, maybe later. Let's see . . . wow."

"What?" asked Ginny, scooting over on the bed and looking where Harry was pointing. "Oh my. I didn't know they made cauldrons that big." She squinted at the image. "But where exactly do you think his other foot is?"

"Forget cauldrons," said Harry firmly. "Hmmm, but here is a part about Chocolate Frogs. And Fizzing Whizbees. This looks interesting."

"Ooooh, and Chocoballs and Sugar Quills – my favorite! We can do this – go through Ron's trunk, he always has a ton of stuff in there from Honeydukes."

"Ginny, I can't just go through your brother's stuff, no matter how much fun it would be to . . . whoa – look at what they suggest you do with the pepper imps!"

Ginny, who had much fewer morals when it came to stealing candy from her brother (probably in retribution for years of Ron sneaking into her bedroom to nick her own sweets), quickly came up with a pile of Sugar Quills, Pepper Imps, Fizzing Whizbees, three Chocolate Frogs, and what looked suspiciously like a Canary Cream.

"We will save that one for later," said Harry. "If at all. Hmm, what to do first?."

Harry began gently kissing Ginny on the lips, and then moved down to her neck (numbers one and two on the diagram, FYI). He was quite enjoying the soft moaning sounds she was making, particularly when one of his hands began snaking up under her shirt and moving closer and closer to zones four and five. Harry had just begun matching her moans and moving his hand, and lips, southward, when he suddenly felt a shock on his hand.

"Oww! What was that?"

"What was what?"

"I went to undo the button of your jeans, and they shocked me!"

"Must have been static. Here, I can do it, see?"

"It didn't feel like static . . . hey, are those new knickers?"

"Yep. Do you like them?"

"Do I ever. Hmmm, give me a Chocoball, no, actually, a quill."

Ginny raised her eyebrows at him, but as soon as Harry skimmed the top of Ginny's knickers with the Sugar Quill he felt an invisible force push him back.

"What the?" he said, and pushed a little harder towards the lacy edge. It was like hitting a brick wall; the force almost knocked him over.

"Ginny, where did you get these knickers?"

"I don't know, some store in Hogsmeade, why?"

"Because they don't seem to want me to get near you."

"That is ridiculous Harry. Try harder."

"Harry took a deep breath, and with all his weight, lunged at Ginny's waist. No sooner had his hand touched her hip that a horrible shrieking sound filled the air. After a second, Harry realized it was a voice. A voice yelling "Oh, no you don't mister!" A voice that sounded uncomfortably like Mrs. Weasley.

Harry jumped off the bed and pulled back the hangings, fully expecting to see Ginny's mum standing there with a look on her face that she usually reserved for things like flying the family car into a tree. Instead he came face to face with both Ron and Hermione, both of whom gave one look at him and burst into hysterical laughter.

"What is so funny?? And where is your mum?"

"No . . . not . . . my mum," Ron gasped between giggles. "Chas. . . chas. . . chastity knickers! Hermione did the spell . . . brilliant!" He snorted and fell onto his bed, tears streaming out of his eyes.

Harry looked plaintively at Hermione. "What exactly did you do and why can I not get anywhere near my girlfriend's, well, her, you know??"

Hermione giggled. "After I was unable to figure out how you did the flirting knickers spell, I looked through the book again and found, well, a charm that does the opposite. I certainly wasn't going to try it out on myself, now was I? I cast it around your bed when Ron and I were up here earlier." She grinned wickedly, at least for Hermione. "Payback, you know??"

Harry groaned. "Okay, okay, I guess we deserved that. Can we call it even? We did give you our DADA notes."

Hermione lifted the spell and Ron and Hermione retreated back to the library for more studying. That is, _studying. _Harry and Ginny went on the practice the levitation spells in Chapter Ten. Although they started out simple – levitating a single arm or leg that otherwise was getting in the way or falling asleep, by the end of an hour, Harry was able to levitate Ginny above him entirely, which made for easy access to zones 1-7, inclusive. After ten minutes of that, Harry found that he was able to levitate certain parts of his own body without even using the spell.

Harry left Ginny hanging in mid air while he turned the page of the book. "Hmmm, role playing. This looks interesting. Let's see . . . "

"Umm, Harry?"

"Yes, Ginny?"

"If you hadn't noticed, all the blood is rushing to my, well, just look at it!"

"Oh, don't worry. I noticed."

Harry cancelled the levitation spell anyway and turned back to the book. "Where was I? Oh yes, role playing. Here's one that looks good. I will be a goblin and you are Gringotts. I have to try to get some gold out of your vault. What do you think? It has to be more fun than the last time I broke into the bank."

"For you, maybe. Give me the book."

Ginny read down the page silently. After a minute, she rolled her eyes and then grinned at Harry.

"Here is an interesting one to try, and I think you will be especially good at it, no practice required at all." Looking significantly at Harry, Ginny began to read:

_Of course, if you really want to give your lady friend an adventure, there is only one role for you to play. That's right – be The Boy Who Lived – Harry Potter himself!!_

"Tell me it doesn't really say that," groaned Harry.

Ginny grinned. "Wait, there's more."

_For a truly realistic and daring experience, use the glamour charms on page 97 to transform yourself physically as well – a few simple incantations and you too can sport a lightning scar, messy black hair, and those oh, so dreamy emerald eyes that make all the girls go woozy._

"Are you going woozy, Ginny? 'Cause I am definitely getting woozy."

"Shhh," said Ginny. "Let me finish.

_And for those of you with a true thirst for adventure, the advanced version combines Harry Potter role play with the dangers of Chapter Eleven – Get Your Witch Out of Peril! It's all there - conjure a Dementor out of a Boggart, learn where to find trolls, giants and spiders to wrestle, plan a maze to rival the Triwizard Tournament, and Impress Your Witch while saving her from certain doom! Sorry, opening instruction for the actual Chamber of Secrets not available at this time._

Ginny and Harry were both silent for a moment, contemplating what Ginny had just read. Finally, Harry looked at her seriously and took a deep breath.

"Ginny, I need to apologize. Apparently, when I was busy saving you from a giant Basilisk and fragment of a crazed Dark Wizard's soul, I should have also stopped in the middle to snog you senseless."

Ginny looked back at him with equal seriousness.

"When I was eleven."

"Right, and I was twelve."

More silence.

"I think we can call this one even, don't you think?"

"Agreed."

Half an hour later, Harry and Ginny were half asleep when Ginny murmured, "Should we see what's next or wait until tomorrow?" Harry only grunted in reply, so Ginny lazily flicked the page. Unfortunately, the air was immediately filled with the sound of a baby, wailing.

Harry jumped up. "Merlin, that is almost as bad as the knickers that sounded like your mum!!"

"I will be sure to tell her you said that," said Ginny, pulling the book to her. "Why is it crying like a baby? Oh."

"What?" said Harry.

Ginny pointed to the page:

_The crying is annoying, isn't it?? It would be even more annoying if it belonged to a real baby. Do you want a real baby? We didn't think so. SO DON'T SKIP THIS SECTION! _

The book then went into three pages of excruciating detail about the various methods of contraception. Harry and Ginny were already familiar with some of them, thanks to a serious of rather humiliating conversations that Mr. and Mrs. Weasley had had with the two of them and Ron and Hermione when everyone had been home over Christmas.

"Well, that was kind of a buzz kill," said Ginny, frowning slightly at the book. "I mean, I agree with all of that, but did they have to take three pages? I feel like I just finished revising for an exam, trying to memorize those spells."

Harry waggled his eyebrows at her. "You're not really tired, are you? Ron and Hermione are at least six goes through Chapter Ten ahead of us!!"

"Six, really? I didn't think my brother had it in him."

"I think I know what he had it in, and it definitely wasn't him"

"Did you just say what I think you said?"

"Uh huh. Now get over here. It took me almost a month to get to Chapter Ten and I want to take full advantage. Let's see. I want to try levitating your clothes off of you this time. Do you think that will work?"

"If anyone can pull that off, Harry, it will be you."

"Well, I know something I can pull off."

"Oi. Just look at the book."


	6. Ringing in Twelve, or There WILL be Snog

**Ringing in Twelve, or There WILL Be Snogging**

"They want me to do what? No way. You know I hate stuff like that." Harry was adamant.

"But Harry, this is different. It's not a bunch of Ministry officials wanting to parade you around or something. Almost all the students voted for you – even a couple of Slytherins, I think." Ginny spoke beseechingly to her boyfriend as they sat together on a couch in the Gryffindor common room, while she lightly slid her fingers up and down his arm.

"Well, if the Slytherins think it is a good idea, then I am definitely not doing it. And nice try with the tickling thing, but it's not going to work."

"Oh no? Well, how about this. . . ."

_Sound of intense snogging._

"Oi!! I am sitting right here, or have you forgotten?" Ron was trying to talk and shield his eyes and ears at the same time.

"We . . . haven't . . . mmmmm . . . forgotten you . . . uh, Ron. . . . we are just . . . oh, yeah, right there . . . _ignoring_ you." Ron was distressed that he couldn't actually tell which of the pair had responded to him, so tightly were they bound together at the lips, and neck, and . . . oh, hell not **there**. Hadn't Harry mentioned needing an Obliviation spell?

"Fine," Ron huffed. "I will just respond 'yes' to McGonagall on behalf of Harry then, telling her that, of course, he would be delighted to be the keynote speaker at the graduation ceremony in two weeks. Okay?"

One or two of Harry's brain cells must have been focused on something other than Ginny's . . . "_oh, for pete's sake, did I have to see that?"_ because he pulled his lips away from her so fast that Ron was forcibly reminded of the sound the Giant Squid made every time it pulled one of its tentacles off the backside of an errant swimmer in the lake.

"Shouldn't Hermione be the one giving the speech? I mean, she's graduating with what, the highest grade average Hogwarts has ever seen, right?" Harry looked longingly back at Ginny's lips, but refused to give in to temptation until he was sure Ron wasn't going to sign him up for something behind his back.

Ron smirked. "Yep, that's my 'Mione. Her average is so high that she actually got a letter from the publishers of Hogwarts, A History, letting her know that she is going to be added as a footnote from now on in the section on notable students. I haven't seen her that happy since . . . well, you told me never to mention it again, but it was that time that . . ."

"All right, all right, I get it," said Harry irritably. "All the more reason that she should be the one to give the graduation speech."

To Harry's surprise, Ginny opened her eyes and sat up too. "That's just it, Harry. Hermione _is_ giving a speech. On 'The Importance of Careful Preparation to Insure Success in Life.'"

Harry groaned.

"Exactly, mate," said Ron. "I love her and all, but please, 'The Importance of Careful Preparation?' If I needed to hear something that boring, I'd take an extra class with Binns."

"Not to mention that it sounds like the exact same speech she's been giving us since first year, with the addition this time of hot, itchy dress robes and lots of sobbing parents," agreed Harry. "I mean, I could practically give that speech myself." He straightened up, a wicked look on his face, and began speaking in the voice Hermione reserved for berating Ron and Harry every time they tried to skive off of studying:

"If you don't carefully prepare for an exam, you might find yourself surprised and shocked, did you hear that, Ronald? Surprised and shocked, come exam time."

Picking up Harry's cue, Ron grinned, "This material is quite tricky, even for someone like me, who memorized the entire course book during the first week of school. How you ever expect to get a passing grade when you and Harry waste all your time talking about Quidditch, I have no idea."

And in unison, the two boys looked at each other and sang out, "If you aren't going to take this seriously, then don't expect any help from me!!"

Harry, Ron and Ginny were so busy giggling, they unfortunately didn't notice that the portrait hole had opened a few minutes before, until a voice, sounding eerily like the one Harry had just been imitating, said crossly:

"Hmmph. Well it's only taken eight years but at least some of what I have to say finally sunk in. And I will have you know that my speech only mentions the repercussions of wasting one's time discussing Quidditch instead of studying, once, in passing."

Ron sat up quickly. "I listen to everything you say, 'Mione. And I'm sure it is going to be a lovely speech. In fact, why don't we go up to my room and you can practice it on me while I, umm, practice on you?"

Blushing but agreeable, Hermione allowed Ron to lead her towards the boys dorm. Harry sighed and looked at his girlfriend.

"Well, I guess that means I can't go up there for about five minutes. Ten, if Ron is in rare form. What should we do?" He waggled his eyebrows at Ginny.

Ginny sighed. "We can start working on _your_ graduation speech. You know, the one that will keep the entire audience from falling into a drugged stupor."

Harry put his head in his hands. "Let me guess, they want me to reenact my final showdown with Tom, don't they?"

"Either that, or tell them about everything you learned in Chapter Ten of _Twelve Fail-Safe Ways_," Ginny smirked. "After you forgot the silencing charm last time there has been a lot of renewed interest in the book."

"Well, at least it would keep everyone awake. Although, I kind of like your parents, you know? I would hate to have to Obliviate them after the speech."

Ginny sighed. "It was an idea, anyway." She gave Harry a kiss. "I actually have to go meet Luna. She wants me to listen to the song she wrote to sing at graduation."

"You're kidding, right?"

"Nope. Last I talked to her, she was trying to figure out what rhymes with Crumpled Horned Snorkack."

Harry gave her a look. "I don't even want to think about what she's going to come up with. See you later."

Harry was out of sorts. _ Now what was he supposed to do with himself? No, not __**that**__, that was back in Chapter Ten. _He looked down at the blank parchment in front of him. He was supposed to be using it to take a practice NEWT for Charms. _Yeah, like that was going to happen now. _

He sighed. Fine. He would write a bloody speech. Maybe if he made it lame enough he could get out of giving it. Now there was an idea. Hmmm.

Pulling the parchment towards him and dipping his quill into a pot of ink, Harry was struck with another thought. What if . . . no, there was no way he could pull that off.

Well, maybe.

If it was done very delicately.

And tastefully.

At least, somewhat tastefully. So as not to upset the parents.

Although, considering that he was The Boy Who Lived – Twice, he could probably get away with a bit more, shall we say, _shenanigans_ than the ordinary bloke.

Hmmmm. This could be fun.

He hoped Ginny would have a sense of humor about it.

Rummaging through his bag, he pulled out his copy of _Twelve Fail Safe Ways to Charm Witches_ and began flipping through it, reminding himself about each chapter's lesson. One through Eleven – no problem. Been there, done that.

But he hadn't yet made it to Chapter Twelve. There hadn't really seemed to be a need for it, given that a single go through Chapter Ten had been enough – more than enough, really – to charm Ginny.

_Not that she needed charming from him in the first place. She was already his._

_Yikes, did he really just think that_?

_He might as well just pull out his wand and hex himself, save her the trouble, if she ever learned to read his thoughts. _

_Okay, back to business._

Harry flipped to Chapter Twelve and began to read its typical, overly self-congratulatory introduction.

And then he read it again.

Hmmm, just maybe.

_Well, if that's the way they want it . . . _

Picking up his quill again, he began to write.

The day of graduation dawned bright and clear, the way most June days around Hogwarts seemed to be. Although for the first time, Harry was able to enjoy it, having actually gotten through the year without a single incident of peril, war, attempted or actual murder, dark wizards disguised as animals, power-hungry ministry officials, three-headed dogs, possession by dark wizards, or any of the other end-of-term activities that had made his years in school seem like something out of one of those crazy Muggle books Mr. Weasley collected. "Boy Wizard Saves the Day!" or something like that. No, this year he had nothing to worry about.

Except his speech.

Which, he had to admit, was kind of a big something.

But he had brought it on himself. If he went down in flames it was all his own doing. No blaming Tom Riddle or the Death Eaters for this one.

But, on the other hand, if he pulled it off . . .

Graduation was larger than usual. Not surprising, since there were two classes of students who had just completed their Seventh Year. It was also the first ceremony since Harry's third year that did not have the threat of death or war surrounding it, and the previous two years had not had any sort of commencement event at all.

So, there were a lot of people sitting in rows of chairs, overlooking the dais that had been erected in front of the lake.

The graduating students sat right in the front; Harry was between Hermione and Ginny. He would have been more interested in his girlfriend in any situation, but given that Hermione was in full "about to walk into an exam" mode – muttering to herself, shuffling feverishly through her notes, scribbling out a word here and there, he was more than happy to give Ron a sympathetic grimace and let him bear the full brunt of her stress.

He was stressed enough himself, anyway. Speaking in front of crowds ranked only slightly higher on his list of least favorite activities than fighting off a crowd of dementors. And it was definitely worse than going for a walk with a Blast-Ended Skrewt.

Professor McGonagall was sitting on the dais with the other Hogwarts professors, Minister Kingsley, a few other Ministry officials (including Aurors – can't be too complacent you know, not with The Boy Who Lived giving a speech), and, Merlin help him, the press.

He hadn't counted on the press.

Oh well, no turning back now. And, he tried to console himself. It he bollocksed this up or made a fool of himself they would have one hell of a story.

His old Transfiguration teacher rose to her feet and approached the podium.

She gave a brief speech about how much this graduating class meant to her.

**Note: **As this piece is supposed to be mostly humorous and definitely not too dramatic, and completely lacking in angst, we will skip her words here, lovely and heartfelt though they were. They may appear in a later epic by this same author.

Next, Hermione rose and strode purposefully to the stage. Standing and facing the audience, she began to speak:

"As we, the Hogwarts graduating class of 1998, stand here on the cusp of our future, the possibilities open to us are almost endless. But nothing we have done up to this day will have any meaning if we don't take it upon ourselves to engage in careful thought and planning about just what our futures should bring."

_What does she mean, nothing will have any meaning? Defeating Voldemort certainly had meaning. Hell, as far as he was concerned, snogging Ginny had plenty of meaning too, and he never had to plan for that!_

Harry made a mistake then and looked over at Ron. By the glazed look on his face as he gazed up at his girlfriend, Harry deduced (correctly, it turned out), that Ron had charmed his eyes to stay open and focused forward on a location right above Hermione's left breast.

Smart boy, that Ron. Harry tried his hardest not to laugh.

Hermione was droning on, and next to him, Ginny, also having caught sight of her brother's face, begin to quietly giggle as well.

Harry squeezed her hand. It was all over if she started laughing. Luckily, Ginny gave one more snort and pulled herself together, arranging her face into the proper expression of bemused interest that Hermione's speech commanded.

Or something.

Harry started going over his own speech in his head. He patted his robes, making sure the book was still there. It had seemed like a really good idea at the time. Now he was definitely having doubts. And, oh Merlin, Hermione seemed to be coming to an end.

After the polite applause had died down, an aura of expectation rustled over the crowd. Harry took a deep breath and stood up, walking with what he hoped was confidence up to the stage. All around him, applause and cheers broke out.

Wow, he had really set himself up this time.

Taking a deep breath, he began.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, students of Hogwarts, professors, honored guests, and most importantly, the graduating class of 1998," _Oh Merlin, he sounded just like Hermione._

He took another breath and grinned at the audience. "You all voted for me, so it's me you are going to get. And I can promise, this will not be your typical graduation speech."

_Wild applause from the students, amused glances from most of the adults_.

_Somewhat narrowed eyes from McGonnagall, who was suddenly remembering another graduation speech given by a red-haired Head Girl and messy-haired Head Boy twenty years earlier, that had to be stopped in the middle because they had begun snogging. Right there up on the stage. _

McGonagall looked around and noted with relief that Ginny Weasley was still sitting quite firmly in her seat, laughing and clapping with the rest of the student body.

Harry raised his hands for quiet, grinned, and began again.

"There are a lot of words that could be used to describe the Hogwarts experience of this graduating class. Boring is definitely not one of them."

"How about death-defying!" someone yelled out.

"Well, yes, there is that," agreed Harry. "But I think a better term might be 'Death Eater defying.' _Huge cheers. _ But I think we have all had enough of people talking about how brave beyond our years we all are, and how we represent what it best about our generation, and how we secured a future for all wizardkind." Harry grinned dryly at the crowd. "At least, I know I have."

He had their attention now. Time to go for it.

"For, despite all of the, shall we say, _excitement_ of the past eight years, we cannot lose sight of the fact that Hogwarts is, first and foremost, a school. And it is a school that has been witness to the activities, both good and bad, funny and embarrassing, legal, and, well, otherwise, of a large group of underage wizards. Of both genders. Who, on occasion, have been known to, uhh, have some fun. With each other.

"Yeah, how much time have you spent in a broom closet, Potter?" yelled out a voice that sounded suspiciously like George.

"Do you really want me to answer that?" Harry peered in the direction of the Weasley family, firmly ignoring the fact that Ginny had turned around in her seat and had her wand trained on her brother. He also decided, wisely, to ignore Professor McGonagall, who was quietly groaning to herself.

"Now, as I was saying, we, as a graduating class, have a lot to be thankful for. A lot to appreciate. And, a lot of it is a result of the building that stands behind us, the Hogwarts castle. This castle has seen a lot over the years. And it has kept our secrets. Well, it has kept **my** secrets . . ."

"And Ginny's!" someone yelled out.

"Yes. And Ginny's," said Harry firmly, determined not to be embarrassed, as around him more chuckles broke out. He grinned down at his girlfriend, who unabashedly grinned back. She could tell he was actually starting to enjoy himself.

"Furthermore, now that I am of age, and actually graduating, **and **beyond being able to lose any more points for Gryffindor, (Big cheers from one-fourth of the assembled guests), and, for that matter, the Savior of the Wizarding World . . ." he smirked, feeling like this might be fun, after all, "I can admit that there are a lot worse things to do around the castle than snog one's girlfriend, wouldn't you agree?"

Before things could get out of hand again, Harry plunged on. "And that what this speech is about. Hogwarts. It's secrets, it's memories, it's stories, it's surprises, and . . ." Harry reached into his robes and took out the book, ". . . how all of it relates to this spectacular book, _Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches!"_

Pandemonium.

The audience, at least the first four rows of students, exploded. McGonagall looked like she was about to rise from her seat. On either side of her, Professors Flitwick and Sprout held her down.

_I knew they had senses of humor_.

Harry glanced at Ginny. She was staring at him with an amused look on her face. Hermione seemed rather put out that Harry's speech was getting a better reception than hers had. Ron was almost falling off his chair with laughter.

"I know you may not believe it, but this book is more, much more, than simply a manual to get those lovely witches to give us clueless blokes the time of day. In fact, in reading through the chapters, I realized that Hogwarts itself, or at least its founders, may have had something very similar in mind when they founded the school. Well, three of them at least."

_Cheers from ¾ of the student body._

"Think about it. Hogwarts has, quite simply, charmed all of us. And it was so subtle about it that we may have missed it at times." Harry paused, and smiled out over the crowd. "Shall I prove my point?"

_Applause, and a few cat-calls. Well, the time for total decorum was in the past. Let them have fun._

Harry looked down at his notes.

"Chapter One," he began. "Compliments." He grinned wryly at the crowd. "When I tried this one the first time, I messed up pretty bad." From the first row, he heard Ginny snort.

"And what I learned from that mistake, is that compliments have to be heartfelt. You have to mean them. And with Hogwarts, that is not hard at all. I mean, what is there bad to say? Okay, well, there is the occasional three-headed dog living in the random corridor, and, well, yes, there was that whole unfortunate incident with the snake crawling through the walls, but hey,

what other building in all of Britain has such a lovely supply of nice sized broom cupboards, secret passages, and hidden rooms?"

"All of which we know you have put to good use!"

George again. This time, Harry did not even bother to look at Ginny. From the yelp that came from George's direction, he knew her wand had found its mark.

"And then there is Chapter Two," said Harry firmly. "Showing interest in their interests."

Predictably, there was more shouting, although from a different direction this time:

"I'm interested in snogging!!"

Ron. Harry could feel Hermione roll her eyes at her boyfriend as everyone started laughing anew.

"Well," said Harry, "I am as interested in snogging as the next bloke, more so, probably, but what I was talking about here is showing interest in what Hogwarts has to offer, particularly to those of us who grew up knowing nothing about the wizarding world." He held his hands out wide. "I mean, come on, Quidditch? Can you think of anything better than that??"

"Snogging!" Ron yelled again helpfully.

"Yeah, well, for those of you who insist on rooting for Quidditch teams that will live perpetually in the basement of the league, snogging is not a bad idea. But seriously, I want each of you to close your eyes for a moment and think about one thing you did for the first time at Hogwarts that you could not have done without being here."

Here, Harry raised his hands quickly to silence the inevitable yells, "And the first person who yells 'snogging' is going to be forced to stand, at wand-point, and announce to the assembled crowd exactly where in the castle he or she first learned about that particular activity."

The threat worked, but just barely. It appeared that Seamus, among several other graduating males looked torn between bragging about their conquests to their fellow students and enduring the wrath of the parents and others who sat further back in the crowd. Harry smiled and continued.

"The next section of the book is, in my opinion, quite important." Harry looked particularly over at Hermione, this one was for her. "I never thought I would see the day when my good friend Ron could actually be beaten by a table full of food. But the House-elves here at Hogwarts manage to do just that, every single day."

"And without giving anyone food poisoning!"

_Hey, wasn't Ginny supposed to be on his side?_

Everyone stood to applaud the house-elves, who were ever busy, scurrying around behind the dais and setting up for the after-graduation reception. Harry looked over at his friends. Not surprisingly, Hermione seemed to have gotten over her annoyance at Harry's popularity and was cheering the loudest of anyone.

"Chapter Four – Shower her with Flowers!" Harry continued. "Hogwarts is a truly beautiful place, never more than in the late spring!" He grinned at the audience and subtly waved his wand behind the dais. Suddenly, beautiful bouquets of flowers sprung up all around, and the women in the audience found roses in their laps. Everyone oohed and ahhed until George yelled out, "Blimey Harry, isn't my sister enough? Do you have to charm every witch here?"

"Just for that, George, you are getting Devil's Snare instead," laughed Harry.

"Chapter Five . . ." Harry continued, but was interrupted by Seamus, in the front row.

"Come on mate, can't you just skip to Chapter Ten??"

Harry smirked at his roommate. "Just because you are apparently getting to Chapter Ten right now with . . . wait, is that Padma or Parvati? I can't tell them apart from that side. . ." Harry trailed off as a very red . . . Padma . . . yes, Padma, sat up and straightened her robes, glaring at Harry. Seamus and Dean high-fived each other.

"As I was saying," continued Harry. "Chapter Five encourages all of us to move just a little deeper into our relationship with the school, to let Hogwarts 'touch' us, so to speak. And as our years at Hogwarts went by, that is just what we did. Of course, not all the 'touches' were welcome. How many other schools in Britain trap students in disappearing steps, get them lost with moving staircases, and keep them from going to bed because an ornery portrait decides not to let them in their common room?"

"Hey, it's not my fault I was too drunk to pronounce Mim . . . Mim . . . oh, what's the name of your bloody plant, Neville?" protested Seamus. He gulped. "Did I just say that out loud?"

"Moving on," said Harry hurriedly. "But there are a lot of wonderful things that Hogwarts has done to touch us as well. I don't know about you all, but my bed in Gryffindor Tower beats sleeping in a cupboard under the stairs any day, even after I found Ron and Hermione snogging . . . I mean, studying on it."

"Ronald Weasley!" Mrs. Weasley's voice echoed clearly across the crowd. "I hoped you showed that girl some respect!"

Ron turned bright red, but that didn't stop him from turning around and yelling back, "Don't worry, mum, I showed Hermione as much respect as Harry shows Ginny. Every. Single. Night."

Harry wanted to hide under the dais.

Instead, he firmly avoided looking at the sea of red in the fifth row and moved on.

"Chapter Six – Getting Out of a Jam." He paused and looked over everyone. "Actually, to tell the truth, I blame Hogwarts for getting me into most of my jams, not out of them. I mean, let's think about it. We can't go to the loo for fear that we are either going to get bashed over the head by a troll or, worse, peered at by a cranky, 13-year-old ghost who haunts to toilet!"

_Good thing Myrtle doesn't leave the U-bend much._

"And what about those antiquated rules that keep us blokes from spending quality time with our female friends in their rooms? It's terribly old-fashioned of the school, don't you think? Why should they always have to come to our rooms?"

"Ronald Weasley!" His mum again. "I have seen the state you keep your room at home, and I can only hope that you have better cleaning habits here. I cannot imagine any girl wanting to study in a pigsty!"

_Oh, Merlin, was she serious? Studying??_ Harry chanced a peek at Mrs. Weasley. Her voice had sounded serious and Howler-worthy, but he was certain he glimpsed the hint of a smile around her mouth as she berated her youngest son. _She didn't raise six sons without learning a thing or two. And I am dating her only daughter. Gulp._

"So, maybe Hogwarts is not so great at getting us out of jams. It is a champion, however, at the next way to charm: Teaching us to Use Our Wands!" Harry grinned at the crowd. "Okay, blokes, on my count, One, Two, Three!"

In unison, all the assembled graduating males (and, Harry noticed, some of the older gents too), called out, "NOT THAT WAND!"

"But seriously," Harry continued over the chuckles and what sounded suspiciously like another groan from the direction of Professor McGonagall, Hogwarts has taught us a lot of useful spells. Let's consider a few of them. There is the infamous 'Wingardium Leviosa', most useful for killing trolls with their own clubs, 'Alohamora', which can nearly always get you into places you are not supposed to be, 'Expecto Patronum', for those dementor-filled days, and of, course, who can forget, 'Expelliarmus' – dead useful when you have a dark wizard to kill." He paused. "I am not trying to be flip, or make fun of our education. Every spell I named has saved my life, more than once, in some cases. Quite frankly, I cannot imagine a better learning experience than my years here at school."

"Don't forget the contraception spell!" someone yelled out.

Out of the corner of his eye, Harry saw Ginny blush. He forced himself to put on a blank face. "I have no idea what you are talking about," he said to the unseen voice. "Although, I do agree, that particular charm could be quite lifesaving, particularly if the object of your affections has a number of older brothers."

"And we are all watching you, Potter!"

_Gulp. Bill. Better get off this subject. Fast._

"Chapter Eight! Showing off your bravery and importance to impress!" Harry looked at the crowd. "From personal experience, this one does not work. At all. However, when we are talking about Hogwarts . . ." Just then, Ron interrupted.

"Oi, don't be modest Harry! Tell us, when is the Hogwarts chapter of the Harry Potter fan club starting? What's their motto going to be again? 'Brave Gryffindor, who liked to score?'" Ron smirked.

"On the Quidditch pitch, they meant," said Harry hastily, as the crowd laughed. He put his head in his hands for a second and steeled himself. After all, Chapter Ten was coming up soon.

"No more bragging about me," Harry said. "But Hogwarts is quite brag-worthy on its own. From paintings that keep undesirables out of our dorms, to rooms that appear just when we need them, to secret passages that lead, quite conveniently, right into Hogsmeade . . ." he stopped and looked back at the professors behind him. "Ooops, probably shouldn't have mentioned that last one."

"Indeed, Mr. Potter." Professor McGonagall had her trademark strict look on her face, but Harry was sure he detected a smile underneath the tight line of her lips.

"Anyway," Harry continued, "the castle and its grounds have certainly done their part in the fight against evil these past years. Maybe its time we start a Hogwarts fan club, what do you think? Anyone have a good motto?"

"How about, 'Hogwarts Schoo – Where you get the 'L' out of learning every day!'"

_Massive groaning. Several conjured tomatoes and shoes chucked in the direction of George_

"Okay," said Harry. "Maybe we'll leave the motto for another day. But that brings us to Chapter Nine, which is, as most of you know . . ."

"Only one away from Chapter Ten!!"

_Oi. He had created a monster. Or monsters. _

Harry sighed and listened to the bantering back and forth by the audience. Various people were still yelling things out, and someone had conjured an enormous silvery bubble which the graduates were now batting back and forth. He looked down at his notes, nodded, and made a decision.

"You're right," he said suddenly. "I think it's time to take things out of order a bit. On to Chapter Ten!"

Down in the audience, Ginny gave him a quick look and then a nod. She knew what Chapters Nine and Eleven entailed, and obviously agreed with his decision to get the frivolity out of the way first.

"So," Harry continued amongst the cheers. "Chapter Ten. The money chapter. What can I say about Chapter Ten and Hogwarts? Quite a lot, actually. But those of you who have seen, or worse, been on the receiving end of my lovely girlfriend's Bat Bogey Hex will understand why I am going to be uncharacteristically quiet about my own relationship to Chapter Ten and the school. Instead, let's reflect on how much the castle really does want us to, umm, enjoy ourselves:

One, did you know that there are forty-two separate broom cupboards at Hogwarts? And yet, who has ever seen a broom in one of them? Do house elves even use brooms?"

"They wouldn't have to if we just set them all free!"

"Thank you, Hermione, the mouthpiece of SPEW. For a recap of her treatise on reasons to set the house-elves free, see Madame Pince in the library. Moving on . . .

Two, why is it that the Prefects, both male and female, all get to share a single bathroom? With one, large, open air bathtub? I don't know about you, but it kind of makes me wish I had behaved enough to get one of those badges myself, huh?"

"Go Ronniekins! Now we get it!"

_George, Bill, Charlie and even Percy were all cheering at their younger brother, who had turned red but looked pleased nonetheless._

"And the dormitories! Those lovely, co-ed, dormitories! How often have you ever seen a professor in one of them? Once? Maybe twice? Do they think that puberty doesn't exist at Hogwarts?"

"Hey, shut it, Potter! You're ruining it for the rest of us!"

A group of boys Harry vaguely recognized as fourth year Gryffindors had risen in their seats. He smiled ruefully at them.

"Sorry blokes. Got a bit carried away there. But never fear. The broom closets aren't going anywhere. As for the rest of Chapter Ten's importance, I will each of you discover just why the school should actually be known as 'Snogwarts' on your own."

Harry sighed. A nice snog with Ginny would be great, about now. But he had more to say. And it was important. Somewhere along the way the speech had become real to him, not just something to make the crowd laugh and joke. He wasn't laughing anymore. "And back to Chapter Nine." He smiled down at his friends.

"Chapter Nine actually asks us to reflect on what is really important to us, to show our feelings without embarrassment." Harry's voice had taken on a serious tone. This was something he actually felt strongly about. Down in the front row, Ginny had stopped laughing too. He should have known she would be the first to understand. He saw her poke her brother and shush him, and slowly the assembled group quieted.

"When I look out at all of you, I see more than a group of wizards and witches, more than families, more than friends. I see history. Our collective history as wizards. And my parents are a part of that history, and even though I never knew them, I can see them in my mind's eye when I imagine them walking the same halls, sleeping in Gryffindor Tower, learning the same spells. There are going to be others . . . who come later, who are going to need to rely on the history of the place as I do, because . . ." Even before he looked in the direction of Teddy, now fifteen months and sitting in Andromeda's lap, Harry had to stop, emotion washing over him. He swiped at his eyes and looked out over the audience, quiet now. It felt right, this solemnity in the face of his words and Harry was grateful for their attention, given what he was going to do.

He cleared his throat a bit. "Chapter Eleven – Getting Out of Perilous Situations. Umm, yeah. If neither I, nor this castle, see another perilous situation as long as I live, that is just fine with me."

There was a bit of quiet chuckling, but mostly people were still. Waiting. Harry picked up the book again.

"When I was trying to charm Ginny, I never made it to Chapter Twelve. And in talking to most of the blokes here, I discovered that most of them couldn't tell me what was in the chapter either." He smiled wryly. "It just didn't seem that important after Chapter Ten. But when I was writing this speech, I finally turned to those pages and read what they had to say. And I think you will all agree that there is no better place or time than here and now to share the wonders of Chapter Twelve with all of you, and with Hogwarts. Because each of us here is more than we were because of this school."

Harry swallowed, and looked out at the sea of faces, picking out the most important.

"If it wasn't for Hogwarts, I would never have met my two best friends, to whom I owe my life, and more, many times over. I would never have played Quidditch, or done a single magical prank. I would never have known a thing about my parents." His eyes met the Weasleys. "I would never have found my surrogate family."

It was so quiet Harry could hear the breeze rustling distant trees in the Forbidden Forest.

"I never would have learned to laugh, or had people to cry with, and those to cry for. And I would never have found my Gryffindor courage, my Ravenclaw intelligence, my Hufflepuff decency, and yes, even my Slytherin self-preservation. I would never have found myself, something I didn't fully realize until I had to leave these grounds for a year to go on a journey of discovery that was as tough as any I could have ever imagined. But Hogwarts was here, waiting, when I got back. A little battered and battle-scarred, but steady and familiar just the same. I hope as the rest of you think about your years here, you can find these same things within yourselves."

It had become very quiet as Harry spoke, stepping off the dais to walk in front of the students. He saw reflection and recognition in the eyes of all the graduates sitting before him. Ron was grinning and nodding at him and Hermione was both smiling and wiping a tear away from her cheek, but it was Ginny's face that Harry sought. She gave him a warm, approving smile, recognizing how much of himself he was revealing, but not yet understanding the moment.

Harry continued speaking to the crowd as a whole, but his eyes stayed on Ginny, and despite the Sonorous charm that was still cast, his voice dropped and wavered a bit as he told the world what else Hogwarts meant to him.

"And without . . . without Hogwarts, I would never have learned the most important lesson of all. The lesson that teaches that what is in your heart is meant to be cherished and nurtured and, above all, shared. It was here at Hogwarts that found someone to share my heart with, and without her, nothing I have done in my entire life, and especially nothing I had to do a year ago, would have mattered. And I don't think it would have been possible for me to succeed without . . . without knowing that she was here. Waiting for me. Fighting for all of us. Being . . . just being.

Ginny's eyes had gotten very wide as she stared at Harry, who stopped his pacing right in front of her.

"I love you, Ginny. Being in love with you, and knowing that you love me back, is, quite simply, the best thing I could ever imagine. It is all I really need, and all I want. I could not think of a more perfect place to tell you that I want to spend my future with you than here, where the possibility of that future became a reality."

He dropped to one knee, only vaguely aware of the gasps and shouts that went up around him, as he took her hands in his, ignoring the tears that were slipping down both their cheeks.

It was not for nothing that Hermione was not only the brightest witch Hogwarts had ever known but also keenly in-tune with matters of the heart. As soon as she saw Harry kneel in front of Ginny, she had pulled out her wand and cast a number of privacy charms around the pair. Although everyone could still see the couple clearly, no one could approach them or hear what was being said. It was only when the crowd saw Harry slip a sparkling diamond on Ginny's finger and watched as her eyes blazed and she launched herself into his arms that the spell lifted and they were engulfed in the well wishes of family and friends.

Harry found out much later that part of the roar he remembered hearing as he had kneeled in front of Ginny was not, in fact, the excited cheers of those around him who could see exactly what was going on. For although most of the graduating students could see Harry on one knee in front of her chair, to those further back, including, unfortunately, Ginny's parents, it looked as though he had suddenly collapsed, as if from nerves. Luckily, by that time, Harry and Ginny were locked in their own world, and so neither of them had to hear the various comments of the Weasleys as they rushed to the pair.

"Blimey, do you think she hexed him?"

"Nah, Bill, I don't see any bats. I think he fainted."

"Amazing, he can kill Voldemort but passes out trying to propose to our sister."

"Well think about it, Charlie, who would **you** rather face down?"

"Good point, Percy."

"Oh Arthur, that poor boy. He must not have had enough to eat this morning."

"I am sure he is fine, Molly, and once he wakes up it looks like he's going to be around a while longer for you to feed."

"Arthur, have you given him and Ron **the talk?**"

"After what I heard here today, I think it may be a little late for that."

"So what exactly is in Chapter Twelve anyway?"

"What do you mean, what is in Chapter Twelve? Are you telling me, Ronald, that you never finished reading the book??"

"Umm, I love you, 'Mione."

"Not enough to get to Chapter Twelve, it seems." Hermione looked over at the ring sparkling on Ginny's finger. "Apparently, that is the **real** money chapter."

Harry and Ginny heard none of this, however. Even after the privacy spells lifted, they were too caught up in each other to take notice of anything going on around them. Apparently, Harry's speech was over.

Professor McGonagall sighed. She should have known there would be snogging.


End file.
